Ah yes. V*lentine’s Day. My absolute favourite day of the year!! I simply welcome the sight of beds decorated with roses and initials spelt out with condoms, getting jumpscared by the literal creatures that appear on gorgeous girls’ Insta stories, and the returns queue at Pandora the following day. Unfortunately for me, though, I’ve had to sacrifice my journalistic integrity to write this Valentine’s special – I regard it as charity work, considering the ever-so-full sea of fish that is the Cambridge dating scene. So, with that said, let’s unpack your emotional baggage!

“I’ve got a situationship who I’m on-off with, but I want a full-time boyfriend. Do I give him the ultimatum or just have the balls to say bye-bye?”

“If he wanted to, he would”

Repeat after me: if he wanted to, he would. It sounds like you’ve probably already asked him “what are we?!”, and my darling, you’re simply setting yourself up for humiliation, and being continually strung along. Face facts: You’re never going to be able to change a man with an avoidant attachment style – he’s only going to keep you around as long as he can keep his options open. And you deserve better than that! However, if he’s 6’5”, LOADED, good in bed and (did I say) LOADED, I say continue to milk the situation as best you can.

“I can’t stand the thought of another Valentine’s alone… What can I do to avoid spending the evening by myself, stuffing my face with ice-cream in a single slump?”

“Maybe wallowing with a tub of ice-cream in front of the TV Bridget Jones-style isn’t that sad”

Have a night out/night in with your friends – NO SOs ALLOWED (basic answer, sorry). And whatever you do DON’T text an old fizzled-out flame, or the person who leaves you on delivered for days, in search of someone to share your loneliness with. Personally, my Valentine’s Day plans consist of going to see Wuthering Heights, (yes, I know the adaptation looks horrendous, but I can’t miss seeing Margot Robbie and Jacob Elordi prove, once and for all, that the fittest people come from down under) and hanging out with my parents. So, maybe wallowing with a tub of ice-cream in front of the TV Bridget Jones-style isn’t that sad, comparatively.

I’d like to clarify the parents are visiting to see a show I’m directing, not because it’s Valentine’s Day – we’re not that dysfunctional!

“The grass is not always greener”

If you’re feeling truly wretched, sometimes the only solution is to look at other peoples’ relationships. Look at some of the scum that women date, settling for absolute breadcrumbs as they put up with poor hygiene and football tantrums, and prepare to spend their lives patting him on the head and swearing they've finished… Frankly, the grass is not always greener.

“My boyfriend is a sweetheart, the issue is he’s terrible in bed; he won’t listen to what I want and I must admit he’s selfish. What do I do?”

What do you mean? Women don’t have sexual desires so you must be seriously mistaken. You should be grateful that he’s even willing to try to please you, while being ignorant to the simple instructions you give to him! If you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic, but what I’m trying to say is to dump him! After all, life is just too short to suffer continual disappointment at the hands of a mediocre man. It’s better to be alone than wish you were!

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