January in Cambridge is afflicted by two scams: ‘New year, new me’ and Refreshers’. Spoiler alert: it’s an even shitter version of Cambridge Freshers’ week, BUT with even fewer post-sub-mediocre club night hangovers and even more deadlines. At least you can count on me as your warped voice of reason to bring you back down to reality. That said, I’m a busy woman, so let’s get a wriggle on.

“I was a tad ambitious with my New Year’s resolutions, breaking every single one three days into the year. Can you help me make some ‘new’ New Year’s resolutions? I’m focusing on health, fitness and personal growth.”

Instead of rigid New Year’s resolutions, these achievable substitutes feel far more realistic – and frankly, more entertaining. Running 5K twice a week? If you’re already a runner, congratulations: that’s an elite lifestyle I will never personally access.

“Deleting Hinge and keeping it deleted is the only resolution that deserves full, unquestioning support”

Rather than banning social media after 10 pm, simply putting your phone down 20 minutes before sleep is kinder to your brain; and if silence leaves you alone with your thoughts, podcasts and audiobooks are a public service.

Deleting Hinge and keeping it deleted is the only resolution that deserves full, unquestioning support.

As for maintaining a Duolingo streak, adjusting the goal to a single five-minute session a day still counts – learning a language is genuinely useful, despite the app’s emotionally manipulative sad animal mascot, which we should all recognise as a marketing tactic. #fightcapitalism

“This Lent, I want to have a better work-life balance, but I do a proper degree. Am I cooked?”

Ha! You should know by now that the concept does not exist in Cambridge. Also, sod you all, Cambridge degrees are Cambridge degrees – I will not perpetuate this toxic mindset on here. Considering you want to prioritise health, I suggest avoiding your degree as much as possible; do random side quests that pique your interest, and immerse yourself in extracurriculars (listen to me, not your DoS). Being well rounded and, more importantly, a relatively content person is far preferable to achieving a starred first, but having sacrificed all your hobbies, personal life and – dare I say – life experiences (sorry, STEM and Law students).

“Considering you want to prioritise health, I suggest avoiding your degree as much as possible”

An (admittedly rare) piece of insight from a Cambridge TikToker that I saw recently claimed that it is possible to party and get a ‘good’ degree from Cambridge; you just have to do everything while either drunk or hungover. Real quote, I swear. But, as a respectable journalist, I must protect my source. Alternatively, you could resort to other substances, but this might be difficult since (apparently) it’s near impossible to source an Adderall prescription in Cambridge.

“I’m a fresher and there’s tons I still want to get involved in, but I’m worried I’ve missed the boat and everything seems really serious or competitive. How do I get my foot in the door?”

“If you want to break into a competitive society, put the graft in and show up! (Or know someone)”

Some societies definitely have better reputations than others in terms of outreach and inclusivity – believe me, I’ve had my fair share of one-off horror experiences at events which have put me off certain societies. However, for every wanker, remember there’s usually many lovely people – C*CA aside. And, generally, people do work their way up. Now, I’m not saying people frequently go from novice boat to Olympian-standard-Varsity-competing Blue boat, but every Varsity Editor-in-Chief started out as a section writer, and every society president as a general member, etc. If you want to break into a competitive society, put the graft in and show up! (Or know someone.)

If there’s an activity you’ve suddenly realised you’re dying to try, fear not: the year is young! Unfortunately, if you’re yearning to become a nightclimber, like I was at age nine (I decided to apply to Cambridge after hearing how Grandpa once managed to put a MINI – yes, the car – on the roof of Pembroke with his fellow climbers) I’m not sure I can help you there. Though I hear people allegedly get scouted at Rainbow Rocket…

Detail your dilemmas here xx