Despite the sun finally coming out in the last week, there’s no denying that Lent got dark. Consumed with regret, and borderline shell-shocked by my academic performance this term, I’m determined to turn things around by any means necessary in Easter – this starts at home.

Whether you’re lucky enough to have bagged a roomy college set, or are perfectly happy in your cheaper, ‘cosy’ space in exchange for affording an extra Deliveroo each week, we all strive to make our spaces our own. There’s plenty of ways to go about this: photos, posters, perhaps a TKMaxx rug, or even a Tiffany lamp (if you can get your hands on this generational charity shop find). And then, of course, there’s houseplants.

Houseplants liven up any space they fill, adding a pop of colour to the corner of the desk you stare at all day, and reminding you to open your windows even on the days you want to wallow in bed. Of course, we all know that one person whose room is filled with cascading green leaves, making them into emotional support replacements for the pets we miss so dearly, but I’m a staunch believer that there is a plant out there for almost all of us. So, the question is: which is right for you?

How would you describe your room decor?

A) It’s full to the brim with knick-knacks and abandoned books, and has a colour scheme planned out to a T.

B) Your raw aura radiates from every corner.

C) The photos you planned on covering your walls with are either falling off more each day, or were never put up in the first place.

D) Who needs decor when all your room is for is sleeping?

When you’ve had a bad week, what is your coping strategy?

A) Distract yourself with your latest hobby.

B) Sort everything into lists and meditate.

C) Doomscroll and order Deliveroo (who cares about depleting dopamine).

D) Fill your social calendar – you have to get out of the house.

Would you say you’re a nature-loving person?

A) Yes – you love a Botanic Garden trip any time of the year.

B) You respect the beauty of it, but would never go barefoot in a field.

C) You had a National Geographic Kids subscription as a child.

D) In another life you were a tree hugger, but nature should be left to its own devices.

By the last week of term, what does your room look like?

A) Fairly chaotic and the laundry basket is overflowing.

B) The only difference to week one is the number of empty wine bottles.

C) Somewhat tidy purely out of procrastination.

D) You can’t see the floor and your bedder daren’t enter.

What was the result of previous plant ownership attempts?

A) You’ve always wanted to try it, but the bugs scare you.

B) You went through a phase, and are hoping the expertise is still there.

C) You’ve been gifted a few over the years, but none have lasted long.

D) Those who know you know better than to suggest it.

If you got mostly As…

Calathea – the diva of indoor plants. You need something to devote your time to, whether it’s the new hobby you’ve been searching for, or pure procrastination. Regardless, Calatheas are the ideal hyperfixation, and, if you can survive its temperamental behaviours, eventually it will become your pride and joy.

If you got mostly Bs…

Aglaonema. It’s beautiful, relatively low-maintenance, purifies the air, and has a colourful side. It will add a smooth, understated pop of colour, and the perfect amount of whimsy, to your thoroughly curated room. Your friends will comment on how well it suits your personality, and all you have to do is keep your room warm and water it semi-regularly.

If you got mostly Cs…

Spider plants or a ZZ plant. Both of these are great options for those of us who love the idea of a pretty, healthy plant some days, but for whom, most days, remembering to water it just won’t enter your consciousness. While a ZZ is a no-go if you have any pet visitors who could ingest it, they both give the illusion of a put-together room, adding an effortlessly fresh vibe to your busy shelves. If nothing else, they’ll certainly help your fake-it-till-you-make-it, got-it-together attitude.

If you got mostly Ds…

For the sake of the plant, don’t even try. As much as you love the idea of a thriving, colourful plant to match your rug, you’re kidding yourself if you expect it to survive the constant next-level floordrobe that even your Type B friends comment on. Buy some sunflowers once in a while and let them do the job… and if you still feel a gaping hole in your life, give Hinge a try (or I guess there’s always succulents).