A non-existent budget. Twenty minutes until you have to leave for your third supervision in two days. And you’ve spent so long deprived of an actual oven that you can’t quite remember if they really exist. It’s the Cambridge holy trinity of mealtime woe. Gone are the days of your mum’s steaming Shepherd’s pie. We’re adults now, remember?

But don’t despair, my peckish pals. I’m here to whet your appetites and provide some much-needed inspiration for your next bite to eat. What are your fellow students tucking into? Join me as I delve into the most refined culinary creations that our ancient establishment has to offer. Expand your repertoire with these authentic recipes that range from bespoke soups to avant-garde interpretations of absolute classics. Step aside, Grace Dent. It’s time for DisasterChef: Cambridge style.

Exhibit A: Instant Noodle Soup

Kicking it off with a familiar favourite: instant noodles, served deconstructed. The rustic presentation just captures the essence of childhood. I was reliably informed that this rapid ramen was the choice flavour of ‘chicken and cheese’. How delightfully aromatic. Okay, they may be slightly aqueous. Actually, they seem to be drowning. But can you really complain when they cost 30p and are ready in under 5 minutes?

Rating: 4/10, we’ve all been there.

Exhibit B: Bread N Cheese

Ah, another wholesome classic. The finest cheese on a single folded slice of dry, untoasted bread. I especially enjoy the choice of soft Edam cheese, locally sourced from Babybel Farm for a creamy mouthfeel. Simply brimming with protein and calcium. Well-paired with the robust wholemeal bread, which provides essential extra nutrients. This student has displayed a trailblazing back-to-basics impulse in their choice to serve the cheese whole and the bread unbuttered.

Rating: 3/10, dry as a dodo.

Exhibit C: Frogspawn

A hearty and wholesome dish that astutely references the traditional fare of Victorian urchins. Please sir, I want some more. This student is breaking boundaries by refusing to limit gruel to the early hours. The inventive chef has mixed nutritious oats with chia seeds for additional textural interest. The result is thrillingly gelatinous. All jokes aside, porridge is genuinely delightful. Low effort, high reward, incredibly versatile. Add your milk of choice, some berries, maybe a scoop of peanut butter if you fancy – and voila, you have a balanced meal. It might not be the most conventional of dinners, but if it’s good enough for Goldilocks, it’s good enough for me.

Rating: 6/10, steaming with potential.

Exhibit D: Bean Burrito

At first glance, this combination does indeed look odd. But I invite you to expand your mind and your weary tastebuds. Mexican culinary tradition collides with a good old British classic for this dish. I’d just really like to know how this gourmet chef approached the task of eating. Did they fold up the tortilla and hope the tomato sauce didn’t dribble? Was a spoon involved? Enlighten me, dear gourmet goblins.

Rating: 5/10, the idea was there.

Exhibit E: Rainbow Ramen

Return of the ramen! Thankfully, this noodle dish is slightly less liquified than its predecessor. And there’s even a thoughtful touch of garnish for additional flavour. Hold on… those freshly forested herbs look a little strange. Oh. Those are indeed gummy bears. Well, eat the rainbow, as they say.

Rating: 2/10, let’s paws and reflect.

Exhibit F: Spud on the Street

This anonymous foodie explained to me that they “always grab extra takeaway boxes and wooden cutlery so [they] can pack [their] own lunch. [They] used to take soup in a pot but that ended in soggy disaster in the library. This jacket potato was still warm after the dullest lecture ever”. Taking meal prep to the next level. An innovative move from the nameless nosh-er. Granted, I would be slightly concerned about stinking out a lecture hall with the potato-and-bean fumes emanating from my bag. But starchy fortune favours the brave.

Rating: 7/10, I respect a fakeaway.

Exhibit G: Soup Glorious Soup

Initial appearances can be deceiving, my little culinary cretins. The unexpected combination of a warming soup (hearty potato and leek, I’m reliably informed) with a blanched veggie is actually rather lovely. And tenderstem broccoli, no less! How elevated. A true symphony of flavours. The deep and full-bodied taste of the soup complements the tender earthiness of the broccoli to create a flavour profile with soil-like undertones. This creative cook even presented their small plates with a slender pair of chopsticks. I approve.

Rating: 8/10, simply soup-er.

Well, that was a rollercoaster of a banquet. It’s clear to see that we have some budding Michelin Star holders in the making here at Cambridge. Keep feasting, folks.