Did you miss me? Well, I missed you. I sincerely apologise for my absence. Directing an ADC main show (it went well, thanks for asking), general start-of-year chaos, and a severe case of freshers’ flu properly killed me off. Seriously, what is up with freshers’ flu this year? Freshers, if your antics have been thwarted by a cough resembling that of a 40-year old who smokes two packs a day, I can vouch that it’s never been this bad – this is freshers’ flu on steroids, and I blame you all. Saying that, it doesn’t affect everyone like it affects me; it would seem I have the immune system of a sickly Victorian child, bedbound for over a week and a half while my college husband was out partying the night after an intensive surgical procedure. Life is simply not fair.

Help! Last year I got a 2:2 and my DOS swears that anyone who gets less than a high 2:1 is doomed…

Speaking as someone who got the dreaded 2:2, I can confirm it ruined my academic life and I was asked to repeat the year for my abysmal performance… only joking. My first year DOS wasn’t exactly ecstatic about it, but this so-called ‘life-ruining’ grade has never once been brought up in my second year here. Forget about it and live in the present, not the past.

“If you truly love each other, things will work out”

My college spouse and I are going through a rough patch – is our college marriage irreparable? I really want to sort things out for the children

It’s inevitable that married life will have its ups and downs. Before you know it, you’ve gone from the giddy high of the marriage formal to bickering in a smoking area. Let’s treat your college marriage like it’s an actual relationship and I’ll play couples therapist. The three biggest issues in relationships are usually poor communication (they leave you on delivered for hours on WhatsApp but spam you with TikToks), trust issues (they vowed they would never join the Union!) and unresolved conflicts (they deny it but you know they drank the majority of that expensive bottle of rosé at formal). Or maybe they’re an absolute liability and like to do unhinged shit, like leaving a gift from their bladder outside of your DOS’ door (an example of something very wild that certainly never happened within my own marriage).

Either way, if you truly love each other, things will work out. My marriage has survived a lot, to say the least. Maybe you need to be more upfront instead of continually letting things slide. Don’t be afraid to hold people accountable, although it can be very necessary to pick your battles. Or maybe you simply need to spend some time together if you’ve been separated by crazy schedules; try meeting for coffee at Sidge or having brunch together at college (I can vouch for John’s).

“You’re probably doomed”

How do I make it onto Crushbridge?

Back when the admins were active (hello, where are you, I’m back in Cambridge x) the submissions largely comprised of simping over:

1) The tall brunette boy with curly hair and a navy quarter zip (must be Ralph Lauren), who’s on the hockey team and occasionally makes an appearance at economics lectures

2) A mean looking masc

3) The pole dancing society when they perform as an Ent

4) People with vibrantly coloured hair

5) Girls in vintage, red leather jackets

6) Anyone after falling off their bike (especially on Silver Street)

7) Gingers! No, I’m not just saying this because I’m ginger and I have made it onto Crushbridge but, yeah, we seem to be in demand…

I’m really sorry, but if you don’t fall into any of these niche demographics, then you’re probably doomed.

“Drop something now and leave plenty of time for a society to find a replacement”

How do you deal with someone spreading an insane rumour about you?

Hmm, now this depends on what the subject matter is – obviously there’s some things you’re going to want to clear up and make a statement about (for example, if you’ve been accused of shitting on a ceiling tile during a bop at St John’s). However, some things you need not even dignify with a response. Take, for example, one persistent guy in Revs who, after being repeatedly rejected by my friend, followed us home, and later insinuated to everyone at his college he’d had a threesome with us. The absolute audacity; he wishes.

I’ve realised I’ve bitten off more than I can chew in various different societies and I feel really overwhelmed…

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of your own actions. Not that I can judge, it’s all too easily done, particularly when positions open up in the dreamily free long vacation. Now it’s Michaelmas and the second/third year workload has massively ramped up. You’re a week behind on diss reading; essay deadlines are ever looming; and, to top it off, three different presidents are hounding you to email every single JCR and MCR in Cambridge, organise a last minute social and (no pressure but) book a high profile speaker. If you feel guilty for leaving a role now, don’t. It’s far better to drop something now and leave plenty of time for a society to find a replacement – even if it’s something that no one wants to do, freshers will happily do anything as long as you can sell it to them effectively. Any society would far rather have someone who can commit, rather than someone drastically overstretched. I would advise people to ask themselves: A) what do you get out of this, B) will it look really good on the old CV, and C) do you genuinely enjoy it? If the answer is zilch out of three, time to jump ship.

I hope the week five blues aren’t treating you too horrendously, and, if they are, feel free to send your life dilemmas to me here:

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1k1Lkm05w295-UENNQIGqdSCU1N9kHTEo3zOIC1MlLFU/edit

Please, it’s like therapy for me.

Lots of love,

Auntie Alice xoxo