This week I have largely been holed up in my room composing my magnum opus (read: dissertation draft), which unfortunately doth not the interesting column maketh. Wait! Don’t go! Come on in, take a seat, have a croissant et cetera et cetera. No need to panic, as the world wide web has provided enough thought-provoking entertainment to ensure that I have remained busy doing nothing – the doing of nothing being, of course, the raison-d'être of this column.

One such golden Internet nugget was provided by The Tab this week (how dare she? Ed.) with their compilation and interactive game (!) featuring the 100 biggest names in Cambridge. But how does one become a BNOC? According to The Tab’s scientific experts, “A BNOC is someone who everyone, or at least a lot of people, knows” (note the expert qualification, commenters and/or haters!) In other words, this Who’s Who of Cambridge features blues, thesps, politicos or, in The Tab’s rather gallant articulation, the ‘man or woman about town.’ Proud to find a few of my actual real-life friends on said list, it did however beg the question as to what I have been doing wrong all this time… 

Whilst I don’t wish to belittle those who have made it onto the top 100, however, I might remind everyone that Cambridge is a small university town wrapped in a bubble wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a LIE (ahem). In all seriousness, in the real world the best way to become a BNOC is via the medium that itself formed the means by which we are now voting on the popularity of our peers. No, not Sporkle, but rather the Internet at large. More specifically I’m talking about Tumblr, the micro blogging site that has spawned presidential blogs, rap lyrics and even an entire music genre of questionable merit – not to mention the millions of guys and girls vying to become the Biggest Name on Tumblr.

If I can’t be a BNOC, then, maybe I still stand a chance at being a BNOT. Thus, after conducting some basic hermeneutical research, I deduced the following three steps to becoming Tumblr-famous:

Step 1: Be a hot chick

Not much to this one – you’ve just got to be a female with a Macbook photo booth and attractive and/or alt features. Diplo’s wise words for all purveyors of said ‘hot girl’ Tumblr genre? ‘You can’t preface by saying you’re weird! You have to show it!’

Step 2: Be a Cat lover

Or animals in general, but for true BNOT status cats are the only currency of the biggest Tumblr traders. Honourable mentions: Cat scans, Cats with cash, even cat-based comics with the procatonist removed altogether.

Step 3: Be ‘Random’

Hit Tumblr sites remind me of the episode of South Park in which they spoof Family Guy’s ‘random’ joke making formula. In it, the writing team turn out to be a bunch of manatees who randomly pick up ‘idea balls’ in their tank and put them together to create a single gag. For true Tumblr fame, a similar yoking together of unrelated subjects would appear to be key. These are your Nicholas Cage octopuses, Bread People and Selleck Waterfall Sandwiches of the world.

To conclude, my response to BNOC-gate will be to create the hottest, randomest, most cat-friendly Tumblr to have ever existed. Expect BNOT status to be mine with the launch of CatswholooklikeKe$hainOuterSpace.tumblr.com. Thanks, Internet!