A quiet mist has settled over Cambridge. Where Wednesday nights used to fill King’s Parade with yelps and chirping laughter, now any sort of ‘tomfoolery’ could get you college-cancelled. The gates are shut tight: perhaps to keep tourists out, or perhaps to cage students in.

It’s hardly a surprise that Easter Term gets such a bad reputation. Spending hours trapped in a loop of Foucault’s A History of Madness might just be the thing that spins an overflowing laundry pile into an existential spiral. Whether the PTSD of Easter term is starting to hit, or if you’re a fresher, an unchannelled dread is creeping up the shelves of your college library, why not procrastinate the stress away with this quiz? Find out what animal you will transform into by June and how to tame it, so that you can leave the Sports Hall with your two feet still firmly planted on the field.

How would you describe your room decor?

A: Like stepping into a fairy’s den – twinkling lights, plants and soft cushions – but your desk is always pristine.

B: Posters and digi-cam prints. Your room is like a museum of your greatest hits at college.

C: Minimalist through and through. Of course there’s your bookshelf and the odd picture frame, but other than that your room is purely functional.

D: Does owning a cactus count as decoration?

What were you up to on C-sunday?

A: You and your friends sat sipping rosé at the rim of the field, close enough to the action to observe as chaos unfolds, but firmly outside the radius of anarchy.

B: What weren’t you up to is the real question. Let’s just say the last thing you remember is someone egging you on as you shimmied up the lamppost.

C: You took the opportunity to grab the much-sought-after seat in the library. As a revision break, you very inconspicuously sauntered past Jesus Green, watching with growing concern as fully grown men wearing bedsheets plunged into the cam.

D: Somehow found yourself in an abandoned car park with six others. Not sure how you got there, but apparently the college drinking soc just got bigger!

When do you wake up during term time?

A: Your sunrise alarm clock wakes you at eight o’clock sharp every morning. When the mellifluous birdsong, and smell of fresh coffee drift in through your window, you just know that today is going to be another wonderful day of being your beautiful, productive self.

B: 10am if you’re feeling productive, otherwise you won’t be spotted before noon. Your parents, supervisors and flatmates have tried but nothing (and I mean NOTHING) can convince you that the morning is meant for anything other than making up for sleep debt.

C: No later than five am. The routine is gym, shower and be at the desk before the rest of college has even opened their curtains.

D: Whatever time you start hearing voices in your staircase – usually a fair sign that the day has begun.

It’s the day before your first exam – what’s your game plan?

A: Your parents have come to visit and you’ve planned a nice walk in the Coton Countryside Reserve. Having scheduled out your revision six weeks ago, you have nothing left to do and have decided to replenish before you show ’em what you’ve got tomorrow. Surely anything you did today wouldn’t make a difference, would it?

B: Complete and utter chaos. You were not going to break your Mash streak for the sake of a silly exam, so you’re working with a hangover. Nothing that Red Bull and ChatGPT won’t fix.

C: You’ve spent the last week in the trenches of the UL and today is no exception. Just stress, work, and repeat.

D: What exam?

Mostly As: The Effortless Swan

Can I just say – we all want to be you. It is a cosmic mystery how you manage to stay on top of work whilst also living life to its fullest. There is nothing much I can say other than: keep ticking those boxes and showing up as usual. Truly you are a god!

Mostly Bs: The Revs Racoon

Tripos-topping may not be on your immediate horizon, but topping the BNOC list certainly is. While I respect the effort and organisation it takes to be so chronically locked out – might I recommend giving your screen time password to the responsible friend in your group? That way, if someone invites you to pres the day before your coursework is due, the temptation to sacrifice your health for the sake of multitasking won’t even reach you.

Mostly Cs: The Ambitious Porcupine

Other people might be treating themselves to an oat cappuccino at The Wilde or scouring Vinted for a ballgown, but not you. Every second of the day is an opportunity to squash another fact into your encyclopaedic brain. I’m sure this type of work will land you a job at Morgan Stanley, but at what price? Pushing too hard could burn you out before exams even start. When you plan out the week, be sure to add a fun event or two – you’d be surprised how work flows when you’re buzzing from being around friends.

Mostly Ds: The Unbothered Koala

While some consider themselves locked out, you never had the key in the first place! I can only assume it’s a combination of luck and sheer genius that pulls you through those exams. However, maintaining this strategy is like russian roulette: Your lucky charms may carry you over the finish line or you could end up in resits. Consider hitting the library once or twice before the big day. Just think what heights you and your magical brain could reach!

Perhaps you felt an affinity to one, two or all of these peculiar creatures. Either way, I hope you treat this as your sign to take Easter with a skip in your stride. It’s only a couple weeks of confinement, before you know it you’ll be trying on colourful frocks and prancing about in the midsummer sun. Until then, be gentle with yourself and enjoy the ride – before you know it you’ll be looking back nostalgically. Blink and you’ll miss it!