If there’s one thing that unites all Cambridge students, it’s an astonishing ability to find yet another way to avoid our degrees. If you think you’re different, you’re lying to yourself – after all, who wants to write about Foucault when you could be at La Raza instead? Everyone has a favourite method, whether it’s ‘accidentally’ finding yourself in Revs every time you have a deadline, or obsessively re-ordering your bookshelf. Considering I’m writing this quiz to avoid starting my essay, I’d say I’m uniquely qualified to tell you which one best suits you.

What is the current state of your room?

A) It’s looked better…

B) The floor-drobe is growing worse by the day (picking an outfit is too hard).

C) It’s spotless.

D) You haven’t seen your desk in days; it’s covered in books you have no intention of reading.

E) It’s littered with posters advertising your next performance.

What do you miss most about Cambridge during the vacation?

A) Starting fights on Camfess.

B) The nightlife: your home town has no club and the pub shuts at 11pm.

C) The convenience of college facilities.

D) Mooching around the shops in the middle of the day.

E) Your packed social life.

What’s your favourite TV show?

A) Whatever latest flop has got people talking online.

B) Euphoria.

C) Gilmore Girls.

D) You don’t watch TV (you’ve received one too many TV license letters and now you’re scared).

E) Glee, as much as you might pretend otherwise.

What are your summer plans?

A) Sleeping, then sleeping more.

B) You’ve got Harry Styles tickets (lucky you).

C) A total clear out, Marie Kondo-style.

D)You’re down for anything – except working on your diss.

E) Sightseeing somewhere very far away.

What’s your dream job?

A) Podcaster.

B) A-list actor.

C) A StudyTuber, although the irony’s not lost on you.

D) You can’t decide and it’s stressing you out.

E) Being a student forever (same).

If you got mostly As…

You’re a Reels warrior. You brag to anyone who’ll listen about how much better you are for not having TikTok, but chances are, on any given day you can be found in the library two hours into a deep dive on the new Wuthering Heights film (it’s bad, by the way). There’s not a single pop culture reference you don’t know, but that book you were supposed to read for your supo tomorrow? Forget about it.

If you got mostly Bs…

You use going out as an excuse not to finish your work. It doesn’t matter where – you’re not fussy, as long as you’re not in the library past 5pm. It’s the perfect justification: no one could possibly expect you to give the pub a miss for one night to do the degree you signed up for, and you can hardly let that bottle of wine go to waste!

If you got mostly Cs…

Laundry, cooking, performative cleaning – you’re a productive procrastinator. You might think this puts you a cut above the rest of us who love a good old-fashioned doom scroll, but is any real work getting done? It doesn’t matter that you conveniently forget how to use the washing machine the second you return home from Cambridge – given a deadline, you suddenly turn into a clean freak.

If you got mostly Ds…

You’re agnostic about how you procrastinate, but one thing’s for certain: you wouldn’t be caught dead in the library. Whether you spend hours window shopping, or pretending to look for a café to work in, you’ve perfected the art of looking busy while getting less than nothing done.

If you got mostly Es…

Societies come first for you. Ok, I’m speaking from recent experience here, but when the choice is between reading Habermas and writing another Varsity article, I think the right decision is obvious. That essay due tomorrow can wait – what other time in your life will you get the chance to try your hand at acting, writing, and 50 different sports, all in the same day?