Jealousy is a disease – ugly, infectious and chronic. Sadly, I am currently its victim, suffering from a severe bout. The worst part? My boyfriend is the target. Often, what jealous partners fear the most is that someone will disrupt the romantic bond that they have; instead, the homewrecker in our relationship is my career envy.

Career envy: that gnawing feeling of bitterness and resentment towards those with professional success. Over the course of our relationship, my boyfriend and I have applied to many of the same internships, work experience placements, and graduate schemes. Usually, we've been there for each other when we both fell at the first hurdle. However, on two occasions – not that I’m counting or anything – my boyfriend has managed to reach the next round of an application while I have fallen short. Though I knew there was a chance of this happening, dealing with the rejection has been harder than I could have imagined.

“Dealing with the rejection has been harder than I could have imagined”

Take, for example, the first episode of career envy – the BBC’s degree apprenticeship for aspiring journalists. A few weeks after completing the personality assessment, I got a text from my boyfriend: “Babe, check your emails!” Heart racing, I eagerly open my Gmail and hope to see a “Congratulations!” in my inbox. Instead, I see nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. I did spot a £15 Deliveroo voucher near the top of the page, but junk food was hardly going to land me my dream career.

When the rejection came 24 hours later, my stomach tied itself in knots. Though I was proud of my boyfriend for making it through, I couldn’t help feeling anxious. I had worked hard on my application. Was I not good enough? Did my experience not impress them enough? What was I doing wrong? As yet another door slammed shut, the anonymous nature of the BBC’s cold rejection email left me struggling from a lack of closure. For me, it was even more pronounced knowing that the most important person in my life was actually my toughest competition.

“The most important person in my life was actually my toughest competition”

The second instance was Private Eye’s one-week work experience programme. Though I knew places were incredibly competitive for this scheme, I felt quietly confident. As an undergrad, I was the editor of the satire section of The Oxford Student, a contributor to the leading satirical magazine The Oxymoron, and a stand-up comic as part of my comedy group, The Oxford Revue. I had also written considerably for numerous student papers. My parents had bought me an annual subscription for Christmas, and I would thumb the editions religiously the minute they appeared in my pidge. So, the next time I got a “Babe, check your emails!” text, I allowed myself a flicker of hope.

The moment I opened my inbox, that confidence came thumping down like a sack of spuds on a seesaw. There was nothing. Again. Not even a consolation Deliveroo voucher this time. Instead, there was just an eerie silence as I began to process that I was, once again, not good enough and my boyfriend was.

“When the scales of success are unbalanced, I can’t help but feel like I’m letting the side down”

As I’m writing this very article, my boyfriend is at the offices of Private Eye, working with all the journalists I've admired for a while. I, meanwhile, have just perfected the art of signalling on a bike without falling over. Despite knowing deep down that I am an impressive and capable candidate for these opportunities, right now I just feel like I can’t compete. I’m in a relationship with someone who is constantly pipping me to the post, and while it feels oddly cathartic to write this article in the meantime, I can’t help but feel guilty for even expressing my emotions. A relationship is meant to be a partnership – a team! My boyfriend’s success should be my success, and my success is his. Yet, when the scales of success are unbalanced, I can’t help but feel like I’m letting the side down. Is feeling this way about a few placements a little dramatic? Perhaps. But it perfectly captures the duality of success: for all the happiness, there is also sadness felt by those that didn’t succeed. The hardest part is making daily conversation with the person who landed the dream I’d been chasing for so long.

For anyone finding themselves in a similar predicament, my only advice to you (and to myself) is simple: know your own worth. Envy ultimately stems from a sense of personal inadequacy, and yet you would not be where you are now were you not incredibly driven, smart, and hardworking. That skillset is more than adequate! On top of that, your partner would not be with you if they felt you were in some way unqualified to be in a relationship with them. It’s a quote as old as time, but comparison really is the thief of joy. Don’t let envy sabotage your relationships. Instead, be proud, and take your partner’s success as a goal to strive for. He may have gotten the internship he told you not to worry about, but he also got you. One of those is much more important than the other and, here’s a secret, it’s the one that doesn’t require a cover letter.