The last few weeks of term have been more difficult than I could have imagined. Although I saw another term-from-home coming back in December, I did not anticipate quite how hard it would be. My memories of Easter term from home in particular are mostly positive; I recall hot summer days spent cycling or reading, with a few hours of revising in the cool shade of the evening. I don’t recall feeling particularly distressed or demoralised at the time, though this could be my memory reshaping the past.

“It feels like I’m spending more time working than ever before, and yet I’ve never felt so dissatisfied with the outcome”

Up until now, I haven’t really struggled with self-motivation. In fact, I’ve always been relatively confident that it’s one thing I’m okay at. If I need to get an essay done, then I get it done (albeit with complaining along the way,) and that’s that. However, the days of efficient Scarlet have taken a break. I now spend hours worrying about essays without starting them. I get distracted when I’m reading, so that it’s very rare I read a whole chapter through without breaks. I find it hard to piece together ideas for essays, and I inevitably feel disappointed with the outcome. It feels like I’m spending more time working than ever before, and yet I’ve never felt so dissatisfied with the outcome.

The good news (and the bad news) is that from talking to friends, I know that I’m not the only one to feel like this. We are all lagging a bit this term, and who can blame us? I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, but this strange and isolated world is bound to take its toll on our wellbeing. In a ‘normal’ in-person Cambridge term, it’s possible to stop work in the evening and go see friends or play a sport or go to a concert or party. There are hundreds of ways through which we can reward ourselves for the fact that uni is undeniably hard work. In this world, there is a clear division between work and relaxation which helps to keep us sane. So even if an essay reduces us to tears; we know that no matter what, we must stop at 8pm for film night which has been in the works for weeks. What’s more – when we do work – we can work in beautiful libraries (if you’re in Caius at least ;)) or ambient cafes, which create a perfect atmosphere for concentrating on the task at hand.

“The good news (and the bad news) is that from talking to friends, I know that I’m not the only one to feel like this”

I think that the main issue with no longer having a clear and enforceable work/relaxation distinction is that I constantly feel pressure to work because there aren’t a thousand other tempting evening activities to choose from. So I scroll through social media a lot even when I don’t want to, because it’s something to do that’s not staring at an academic article. It can fill the void between 2 and 4am when I’m too tired to read but too awake to sleep. Although I usually love reading, my uni reading lists have taken away any passion I have for reading outside of working (though I don’t think this is specific to an online term). And I try to exercise as best as I can but on days when I don’t – like the past four or so – I feel like a certified failure.

I hate to be so miserable about all of this, especially as things could be so much worse. But I want you to know that you are not alone if you feel disheartened at the moment. I’ve read a lot online about things to do to keep productive in lockdown. I’ve seen a lot of smiling faces on TV and cheerful radio voices which I couldn’t feel more detached from. The one thing I have found helpful is to cling on to those moments when I do laugh, when my heart is filled with warmth, and when my eyes twinkle with amusement. Even if they only last for a few moments, they highlight how happiness is still within reach. I know that this may come across as an empty and abstract phrase, but (even if it feels like forever,) this moment in time is temporary. So for now: treasure those moments of joy and contentment you do feel, and look forward to a time when they will become more commonplace – for ‘this too shall pass’. In fact, it’s passing with every new week.