Cambridge May Week is the stuff of dreams. Summer sunsets and champagne by the river. Artisan canapés, black tie, and vomiting in a college flowerbed. A 2004 Varsity columnist described it as “Christmas come early, except…without presents, and with the warm love of a nuclear family replaced by a deep sense of self-loathing. ” What more could one want?

Although signalling the end of exams, May Week can occasionally descend into mayhem and perpetual hangover, and it can contain a few too many awkward interactions. To tackle any potential anxieties, we have collated some important advice on how to survive the chaos of May Week, taken from Varsity’s archives.

Food and Drink

A May Week article from 1969 opens by reminding readers that “May Week is a time of total frivolity.” This is particularly true of the food and drinks on offer during May Week. “Punts full of champagne”, “thousands of oysters”, and “twenty types of cheese” were available at Trinity May Ball that year. Less glamorously, a guest at the 2004 Robinson Ball remarked that “cocktails appear to consist of a thimbleful of Sainsbury’s ethanol and a hearty dose of Tesco Value orange juice”. To avoid, any food and drink disasters, and to get the best value for money, here are some quickfire tips and tricks:

• “Remember that cucumber has a flavour that permeates and ruins any drink.” [1971]

• Check every part of the site, because – as a 2004 Cauis ball goer discovered – there may be “a room containing a fountain of melted chocolate.” [2004]

• Check a ball’s sponsors and food vendors, although it’s unlikely to rival Queens’ 1997 sponsors - Ben & Jerry’s and Guinness.

• For pres: “If you cannot afford a good champagne it is vastly more sensible to buy a good Méthode Champenoise.” [1971]

Headliners: Past or future?

A stand out moment was the 2004 Newnham Prohibito May Ball, which saw “the critically raved about sultry soul/feisty North London hybrid that is Amy Winehouse” take the stage as the headliner. Whilst this year’s May Balls will see a few throwbacks from 2010s childhood, namely The Wanted and Ella Henderson, it’s interesting to see Amy Winehouse performing before global stardom, 2 years before the release of Back to Black. Without a doubt, a headliner like Amy Winehouse would surely be lauded in any decade. But it’s difficult to tell which type of headliner is more welcomed by Cam alumni: sounds of nostalgia, or newer, rising artists? Either way, you’re sure to enjoy the dulcet tones of a future global star. Or alternatively, that song you loved from your 2012 iPod playlist.

“the critically raved about sultry soul/feisty North London hybrid that is Amy Winehouse”

Finding love?

One of the more eccentric features of May Balls was the exclusive May Ball Love Locket of the 1960s. Created by Alec Bedsall and Jack Cleland, the locket comes with guidance on how it is to be presented to the unsuspecting partner (or victim). A girl is to “present her beloved with a Love Locket of her hair mounted in acrylic above an inscription with her name and college.” It seems Megan Fox and MGK’s engagement is not so unconventional when we look at 1971 May Ball love rituals — perhaps the Love Locket walked so that Megan’s thorny diamond ring could run. For only £5.20, your partner (perhaps too inebriated to even notice the peculiarity) would have been adorned with a luscious lock of hair sealed for eternity in a resin heart. You’re sure to be “the one girl in seven” opting for such a gesture. How romantic…

Flirtation and fashion

The 1969 Varsity issue opted for a slightly more conventional approach to romantic courtship during May Ball season. In the women’s section, May week is described to be the “apogee of the Cambridge summer” where risqué fashion choices are a crucial exercise in flirtatious frivolity. “To compete,” writes the women’s section, “be the ultimate in feminine desirability.” Although a weekly issue of the student women’s section, the article feels like a historical artefact, a marker for change in female self-expression. In fact in 1960s Cambridge, limits on the number of women admitted were rescinded, leading up to allowing colleges to finally admit women in 1965. The page displays an array of models in long, flowery dresses with feather trimming, alongside tight cutaway dresses rather similar to the conventional choice for formals and balls in the 21st century. Looking through the issue with hindsight, it’s eye-opening to see such a styling choice be marketed as “orgiastic-self indulgence” or an act of rebellion. “Bare something - tummy, cleavage, or everything. Try shine, glitter, feathers, or see-through.” The final piece of advice reads “Go mad — just this once,” as though fashion freedom is to be briefly unleashed and then contained; a reminder of its 60 year distance from the fashion norms of today. Later stumbling upon Robinson’s 1997 ball, with an ‘Underwater Magic’ theme, saw an intriguing switching of gendered ideals. What began as advertisements for women’s cut-out dresses and employment as a “serving wench” at balls in the 1960s, shifts into an exhibition of male nudity at Robinson’s Atlantis. “Naked blokes were everywhere, supposedly representing various minions of Neptune, but really just there for the lasses to drool over.”

“It seems Megan Fox and MGK’s engagement is not so unconventional when we look at 1971 May Ball love rituals”

Ball Crashing

If spending £200 on a night of free drinking, food, and (usually) bad music isn’t your cup of tea, just don’t pay! 2004 Varsity has got you covered with a very serious, and very safe ‘Crasher’s Guide’. Instead of lining up for hours, and missing the best refreshments, one could try hiding “in a portaloo” and staving off “the boredom with a bottle of vodka.” Alternatively, it might be less time consuming to “fashion a walkie-talkie with two paper cups and a 20ft string” and “use it to communicate to your friend on the inside”. Or, if you’ve got any Camdram credits to your name, then surely suggestion 7 – “find out the name of a committee member and pretend to be their long-lost friend/lovechild/biological parent” – wouldn’t be too hard to pull off. Godspeed, cheapskate!

If instead, money isn’t a concern but you crave attention, why not try “steer your parachute into the ball” and “skydive from 10,000 feet.” People will forget to check if you have a ticket as they will be wondering where on earth you came from.

If after all that, May Week still doesn’t tickle your fancy, take the advice of a fed-up 1997 columnist – “get up and get out.” Some simple and “cheapie” suggestions include, “Be a tourist!”, “Have a flying lesson”, and “Leave Britain.” The choice is yours.