As Halloween comes around once again, we all know you’re digging into your closet for that old, predictable, but dependable spooky outfit you’ve worn for the last three years. Except this year, there’s a twist: that cliché trick-or-treat get-up can symbolise one of Cambridge’s most venerable student groups! This is going to be fun…

Cambridge University Conservative Association – The Mummy

They’re ancient, they’re decrepit and they’re just lying there, surrounded by unimaginable wealth. To be honest, CUCA might as well be Nakhtnebtepnefer Intef III - most of their triple-barrelled surnames are just as unpronounceable. They’re such colossal arseholes that seeing them swaddled in loo roll wouldn’t really surprise anyone.

Cambridge University Labour Club: Zombies

They’re multiplying! Recent reports claim that they’ve managed to recruit 12 times their previous membership just this Fresher’s Week. Like the undead, Labour haven’t let their recent (electoral) annihilation stop them: they’ve merely become unthinking proponents of a new cause, be it Corbynism, or you know, turning everyone else into zombies.

Cambridge Liberal Democrats: The Loch Ness Monster

No-one actually believes they exist.

Cambridge University Women’s Campaign: Werewolves

Men have an irrational fear of them, especially at a particular time each month. This lot are misunderstood, generally being perceived as angry and hairy. But like the werewolf, all they want is to overthrow a system of global oppression that views them as inferior. In reality, they don’t bite, unless you provoke them.

Cambridge University Students’ Union – Ghosts

Apparently, they’re everywhere. Most of us have never actually seen them, but believers stridently insist upon their significance to everyone. Constantly haunt your Hermes inbox with unwanted emails and try desperately to influence the realm of the living, but to no avail. They act all big and important, though in reality most of us stopped believing in them long ago.

Cambridge University Law Society – Dementors

They will literally steal your soul. This lot are the antithesis of happiness in Cambridge, jealously policing a monumental prison from which few escape (be it Azkaban or the Law Faculty). Lots of people in long black robes are seen gliding around, and they’re sure that they’re always right.

Cambridge RAG: a cat (duh)

You can’t hate them because they’re painfully nice and cute. Also, they are capable of guilt-tripping you into doing anything. They have a propensity for wandering far (hint: Jailbreak), but always returning home (hint: Lost). Everyone’s go-to when we’re desperate, either for a Halloween outfit or a blind date.

The Cambridge Union: a Vampire

Predominantly pale, male and dressed in the garb of the upper class, the Union will suck you dry (of blood or £185, what’s the difference). For some reason, they’re seen as sexy and desirable, and many fall under their Twilight-like spell. They have historic origins, whether Bram Stoker’s seminal novel or CELEBRATING 200 YEARS OF FREE SPEECH, and they won’t let you forget it in a hurry.

Arcsoc: Witches

They’ve just got that something no-one else has, be it magical powers, or well, edginess. Known for throwing really weird parties at which mind-altering substances are consumed (potions! I’m talking about potions!). They act like they’re better than you, and it’s probably because they are.

Camdram: Pirates

Stylish and swashbuckling, this lot will take your money and give you little in return, except a post-modern adaptation of a Freudian take on Shakespeare, through the medium of interpretive dance. Not to be trusted – they’ll happily make you walk the plank if it means they’ll get the part.

CU Rugby Football Union: The Joker

This team are quite unnerving, covered in weird scars and take a perverse pleasure in inflicting pain. Their favourite hobbies include playing mind games with the opposition and constantly wearing their distinctive colours (did they mention they’re Blues???). They even have a comic-book-style arch-nemesis, in the form of Oxford.

Varsity: Voldemort

If you can’t take the piss outta yourselves, how the hell are you gonna take the piss outta someone else?! We’re bitter, twisted and everyone knows our younger, better looking adversity will in all likelihood triumph. Carefully cultivates loyal supporters/Death Eaters/journalists, and those who cross to the other side have vengeance wreaked upon them (you all know who you are).

Happy Halloween from Varsity! Stay sp00ky and keep it cr££py.