If you were ever called sensitive, needy, clingy, dramatic, etc., you may have an anxious attachment style. People with this attachment style are misunderstood when their neediness is meant to make them secure, not to upset others.

People who have an anxious attachment style in adulthood probably lacked close, intimate, or emotional relationships in childhood. While these behaviors are “sticky,” it’s possible to loosen their grip. This article provides 7 essential steps required for healing anxious attachment.

Anxious Attachment Style: Symptoms

Before healing an anxious attachment style (also known as anxious-preoccupied), it’s worth determining whether you have it.

One certain way to know which attachment style you have is by consulting a therapist. However, it’s also a common practice to take attachment quiz if you don’t have time or resources to access a mental health professional. However you decide to determine it, take the results with a pinch of salt because attachment styles tend to be flexible and change over time.

To determine whether you have an anxious-preoccupied style, start by reflecting on yourself. Do you recognize yourself in these common anxious attachment style symptoms?

• Constantly asking your partner or friends whether they love you or don’t hate you. An infamous question, “Would you love me if I were a worm?” is also a form of reassurance, but in an extreme form. The point of such reassurance is to make sure you’ll be accepted no matter what.
• Overanalyzing everything. For example, if your partner forgets a favor you asked him, it might trigger overthinking that will lead you to the conclusion that they don’t love you anymore.
• Inability to regulate your emotions. Positive feelings like happiness and excitement are intense, but traditionally “negative” emotions, like jealousy, betrayal, or sadness, feel all-consuming and impossible to get over.
• Testing your partner. An anxiously attached individual is scared that people will leave them. Hence, they might subconsciously sabotage their relationships to see if their partner or family can “prove” their love.
• Idealizing, then feeling disappointed. People with anxious-preoccupied attachment get attached easily because they seek affection, but with time, they become disappointed in their new acquaintances because they don’t correspond to idealized expectations.
• Low self-worth. The real reason for seeking validation from others is that you can’t provide yourself with soothing or love.
• People-pleasing. To avoid losing loved ones, anxious-attached people might avoid setting boundaries. They equate rejection with hate and resentment. Most likely, this belief was taught in childhood or during toxic relationships.
• Identity tied to relationships. If you have a hard time describing yourself outside your relationships (mom, husband, brother, employee, etc.), it may be because you tend to enmesh your personality with your loved ones.

7 Steps to Fix Anxious Attachment Style

Disclaimer: These 7 steps may be hard to introduce all at once. Start with a few recommendations and introduce them into your routine gradually by adding, not replacing, things you do during the day.

Some advice may not work initially. In this case, focus on another aspect. But the main thing is maintaining a self-compassionate mindset. Don’t accuse yourself when something doesn’t work out.

1. Track your mood and triggers

Before you can fix an anxious attachment style, you need to understand what needs fixing.

Behaviors triggered by anxious attachment are protective mechanisms, so they are automatic. While it may be hard to stop them, try to at least track them post-factum.

For example, if you opened up in front of somebody and feel anxious because you overshared, don’t rush to explain yourself or accuse yourself.

Write these moments down.

You can use a simple paper journal or a mobile app to track your emotions and the triggers that set them off. That might help you to see connections between situations and your reactions.

2. Take better care of yourself

It may sound simple, but how you treat yourself directly affects how you feel about yourself. A study published in the international journal Healthcare showed that people who exercised, ate healthily, and tried to limit tobacco and alcohol felt much better about themselves.

Self-care worked in the study not because participants had visible changes in their physical appearance, but because they believed they now deserved respect and love.

But don’t stop with only self-care. Treat yourself with the same kindness you offer others. Speak to yourself with compassion instead of criticism.

Self-worth is the foundation of secure attachment. Anxious attachment comes with the belief that you have to earn love. But when you love yourself, it helps you to be more secure in relationships because you have yourself as a pillar.

3. Communicate with words, not hints

Anxious attachment might limit your directedness because it may sound “rude” to you. It’s important to challenge this belief that comes from protecting yourself in childhood.

Now, you, as an adult who builds relationships with adults, have to admit that other people can’t read your mind. Other people might not constantly analyze you; hence, they can’t understand your hints.

To feel loved and understood, you have to give your close people the opportunity to give you the kind of love you need. The only thing to do is communicate.

For example, instead of overthinking, try saying, “I feel a bit anxious when I don’t hear back for a while. I would really appreciate it if you gave me at least a short shoutout, or we can discuss what works for both of us.”

4. Rebuild your self-esteem

At the core of anxious attachment is a belief that you are not fully worthy of love. Rebuilding self-esteem means slowly challenging that belief with evidence.

Start small, but try to be consistent:

• Keep a list of your achievements.
• Give yourself one genuine compliment every day.
• Treat rest as non-negotiable and integrate at least small breaks throughout the day.
• Try CBT-based cards: write down negative thoughts, provide arguments for/against them, and then replace them with more realistic thoughts.
• Limit screen time, especially social media, which can reinforce comparisons and insecurity.

Self-esteem doesn’t grow from one big realization. It’s a long and usually uncomfortable process of going in circles, chasing the same idea: that you are worth everything you want.

5. Learn to soothe yourself

Healing anxious attachment must involve the realization that you can become your own source of stability. While connection and dependence on others are important to thrive, you are the only person who is always there.

Create a “self-soothing toolkit” you can rely on anytime. Usually, it must involve doing something you like. People commonly:

• Write down their thoughts to release emotional pressure
• Move their bodies (walk, stretch, dance)
• Read affirmations
• Practice deep breathing

You can also challenge anxious thoughts. Ask yourself: Is there real evidence for this fear? What else could be true?

6. Don’t let others take advantage of you

Boundaries are a healthy way to communicate with others. You can say no, get angry with someone, refuse a favor, and still be a good person. Start by asking yourself: What behavior do I no longer want to accept? Then practice expressing it clearly. For example:

• “I will help others after doing my tasks.”
• “I’m not comfortable with unclear intentions.”
• “I need time for myself sometimes.”

Boundaries filter out relationships that rely on your self-sacrifice. If someone repeatedly ignores your needs, stepping back is a sign of self-respect.

7. Work with a therapist

While self-work can take you far, fixing anxious attachment style is most effective with a trained mental health professional. A therapist can help with:

• Seeing your relationships from an objective perspective
• Understanding where your perceived flaws and behaviors come from
• Building healthier relationships

People with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles benefit the most from attachment-based therapy, emotionally focused therapy (EFT), and interpersonal therapy (IPT).