It’s week three. The clock ticks mockingly as you ‘read’ the same sentence for the eighth time. Your supervision work looms, unread tabs multiply like fruit flies, and yet your mind wanders to Halloween. The party playlists are being made (a shameless plug for Newnham Halloween Bop), costumes are being hastily Prime-shipped, and spirits – both literal and metaphorical – are rising.

But how will you spend your Halloween night? Whether you’re carving pumpkins or carving out time between deadlines, take this quiz as a break from pretending to understand your reading list.

Which of these sparks the most fear in you?

A) 500 pages of reading due tomorrow

B) Seeing your failed situationship in the Squire library

C) Going to Mainsbury’s at 5pm on a Monday

D) M&S running out of sourdough bread

E) Leaving the house with your phone below 15%

Someone pulls out a Ouija board at the function; what’s your response?

A) Warn everyone not to play it (you’ve seen this film before, and it doesn’t end well)

B) Ask the board what drink you should have next

C) Pass on your turn but stick around because you’re nosy

D) Roll your eyes but agree to ask “when will my next date be?” on behalf of a friend

E) Grab your bag and leave, you have better things to do than risk the possession of your soul

You see someone wearing the exact same costume as you at the bop; what’s your move?

A) Compliment them politely and suggest a joint photo

B) Challenge them to a dance-off to assert dominance

C) Insist you are wearing it in an ironic fashion

D) Panic, run to the bathroom, and improvise a new look using toilet paper

E) Do nothing, you’re above this level of drama

Which of these supernatural figures would be your ideal soulmate?

A) A witch – powerful, mysterious, enchanting

B) A vampire – eternal youth, tragic romantic energy, hates garlic

C) A werewolf – chaotic, passionate, leaves hair in the shower to the repeated frustration of flatmates

D) A ghost – distant, unreadable, reserved

E) None. Supernatural entities are not real, and the dating scene is already scary enough as it is

What’s your top priority for a Halloween costume party?

A) Dressing as a niche internet meme that only three people will understand

B) Something cute that also provides a great pun for your Instagram caption

C) A coordinated group outfit: Mystery Gang, Incredibles, you name it

D) Hoping that cat ears count as “dressing up”

E) Pyjamas. Your only priority will be staying at home making a fifth cup of tea

Lastly, what’s your go-to sweet treat?

A) Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

B) Sour Patch Kids

C) Chocolate Bourbons

D) Hershey’s Kisses

E) A candy cane

If you got mostly As…

You are the ‘Classic Horror Aficionado’ – you’re the calm before the storm (or, more accurately, the calm while everyone else is the storm). You’re planning a cinematic masterpiece of a night: blankets, popcorn, every Scream movie, and pyjamas that match your chosen aesthetic. You’ll pause halfway through The Conjuring to discuss the cinematography, light your pumpkin-scented candle, and briefly consider starting your essay (you won’t, but you’ll think about it, which is practically the same). You’ll fall asleep at 11:59 p.m., emotionally balanced and unreasonably proud of your themed fairy lights.

If you got mostly Bs…

You are the ‘Frash Fiend’ – you are a legend in motion; no plan, just pure, unfiltered energy. You’ll be fuelled entirely by adrenaline, VKs, and hubris, but you wouldn’t change it for the world. It is not Halloween, but HalloWEEK for you, and you’ll be seen hitting the bops, haunting the club queues, and wherever else the night drags you. You are the main character in your own Halloween montage, and your supervision work? A problem for future you (who, frankly, deserves it).

If you got mostly Cs…

You are the ‘Half-Committed One’ – you don’t really care for Halloween, but you’re too kind (or too easily persuaded) to say no. You’ll show up dressed as the supporting act to someone else’s costume, nurse a drink, and laugh politely at someone’s punny outfit. You’ll quietly slip away from the bop, still half-dressed as your character, and make your way to the library like an academic Cinderella. Midnight strikes, and you’re back at your desk, attempting to analyse Rousseau while subconsciously scrubbing your face paint off. You embody the Cambridge condition: trying to be fun and responsible simultaneously, succeeding at neither but somehow managing both.

If you got mostly Ds…

You are the ‘Accidental Participant’ – Halloween? You forgot it was happening until five minutes ago. You throw on some cat ears, maybe a trench coat, and call it “conceptual.” You have no plan, but somehow you end up at three different parties and in someone’s photo dump. You’ll wake up the next day in an unfamiliar costume (not yours), missing one shoe, and with an inexplicable craving for cheesy chips. You may not remember Halloween, but Halloween will remember you.

If you got mostly Es…

You are the ‘Festive Defector’ – You’ve skipped straight past spooky season and are spiritually already in December. While others are carving pumpkins, you’re humming carols and eyeing the John Lewis decorations. Halloween is simply the prelude to your true calling: mince pies, Mariah Carey, and mulled wine. You will spend the night drinking peppermint tea and scrolling through photos of everyone else’s chaos. People may call you boring, but deep down they envy your serenity.