Well hello! Despite what my youthful glow may suggest, I promise I’m not a silly fresher but, in fact, a geriatric 20 year-old. What makes me qualified to run this column? Apparently, the Lifestyle team scoured high and low to find a compulsive over-sharer who was acerbic, moderately deranged, and droll: I was evidently the perfect applicant to lower the tone. My motto as Auntie Alice shall be: “we listen and we can’t judge”… within reason, at least. Returners, you are well aware that Cambridge is full of diabolical individuals; freshers, this is something you will learn. Fast. With that said, let’s crack onto your concerns!

What if I do something really embarrassing when I’m drunk during freshers week?

Don’t fret, whatever you do, be safe in the knowledge that someone’s done something worse. If you’re not convinced, know that absolutely nothing can top one of my friend’s mortifying experience during freshers’ when, without going into the gory details, she was kicked out of a club for nearly losing her virginity in the toilet cubicles. Surprisingly, that wasn’t even the low point – outside, during their post-encounter debrief, she dropped her phone and inadvertently sent it into emergency call mode. Her contact was her mother, who unfortunately picked up. Unaware that she was on the line, she went into graphic detail, and her mum heard everything. So what if you do something embarrassing? At the very least, it’ll make a great story.

How big of an issue is committing Collegecest or Coursecest really?

In short, odds are it will happen and it’s typically not a big deal at all. Colleges vary massively in size, so being forced to sit next to a deeply regrettable one-night stand in the library is far more probable at a tiny college like Peterhouse than a massive one like Trinity. At some colleges, collegecest is particularly rampant (for obvious reasons, Girton) and, at worst, it can feel like school gossip with whisperings about so-and-so seen leaving such-and-such’s room. Saying that, if you hook up with somebody on the same floor of your staircase, I’m afraid you are an absolute imbecile and deserve whatever awkward encounters you have after it. On committing coursecest, again, I think it’s a non-issue – you’re naturally likely to meet someone like-minded and have a lecture crush. However, I would caution against committing coursecest within a very small cohort and sleeping with someone you have supervisions with at college (though it would give you company for the walk there the morning after).

Is the nightlife actually as dire people say?!

There is no denying that clubbing here is nowhere near on par with Nottingham, London, and Leeds. I won’t regurgitate the commonly recited criticism of Cambridge clubbing, but instead list a few of its pros. In defence of Cambridge’s nightlife, unless you go to Girton or Homerton (in which case I’m sorry) the clubs are a rarely more than twenty minute walk away, so you won’t need to shell out on Ubers. Even if the 40-year-old DJ insists on playing Last Christmas in October as a single tear falls down his cheek, at least you’ll be familiar with the music. MASH does serve absinthe, a fun novelty if (like me) you’ve too refined a palette for wank WKDs. I do genuinely rate Junction and ArcSoc nights out (which people dress up in costume for!) despite not being remotely into techno. Lastly, even if the clubbing is quite shit, there is a certain joy that witnessing sports team athletes dressed as chickens and those in white-tie at the same club night brings. You’ll come to your own conclusion soon enough.

What advice would you offer to all freshers that other people might not tell us?

Ah, now this is a smart question. There are so many things I wish I had known before I started Cambridge that you would certainly never ever find on any sort of official website. I don’t have time to tell you absolutely everything (and I’m likely not allowed) but here are some carefully selected nuggets of advice.

1) Despite making it into one of the most prestigious universities in the world, it seems some students aren’t yet potty-trained. Mummy and daddy might have taught them which order to use their silverware in, but not where to empty their bowels, and this shows. Not to name and shame but look to the notorious Corpus Shitter. Even when people can use toilets, they apparently forget the fabulous invention of toilet brushes or, even worse, simply forget that toilets can in fact flush! Perhaps splurging on an ensuite isn’t such a terrible idea.

2) The fire alarms in your accommodation will be extra sensitive during freshers’ week because, no offense, College literally doesn’t trust you. Yes, your vape will set it off, so at least wait until a few weeks in. Candles are an obvious trigger, and even boiling your kettle can set that deafening alarm going. Proceed with caution.

3) Even if your college tells you to be registered at your home GP and a Cambridge one, this isn’t true. I learnt this the hard way and if you’re under shared care it can be better to stay with your home GP. You can still go to Addenbroke’s and access 999 and 111 services in Cambridge without registering at a local GP, and college nurses are on hand to deal with smaller health concerns and monitoring (e.g. blood pressure and heart rate) too.

What’s the dating scene like?

It’s truly luck of the draw. I genuinely hope that you will be one of those annoying people who meet the love of their life first term and proceed to have a happy, stable, and loving relationship. For the vast majority of us, the Cambridge dating scene can be rough. Want to get consistently ghosted? Try Hinge – I fondly recall setting my dating app preferences to women after accidentally going on a date with an Andrew Tate fanatic. If you’re really lucky, you might even get hit on by the dodgy third years at your College bop! Alternatively, you can try your chances and go on Varsity’s blind date scheme – if worst comes to worst, at least you’ll have some funny lore to share at pres. And hey, if your love life does go to hell, you can always write to me about it.

Well, that’s all I have time for today, but I wish all incoming freshers the best of luck for starting Cambridge. You’ll need it. I’m more than happy to try to answer any questions big or small, serious or silly and please send them here:

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/1k1Lkm05w295-UENNQIGqdSCU1N9kHTEo3zOIC1MlLFU/edit

Advance warning: if it’s about boyfriend problems, I’ll only ever tell you to dump him x

Lots of love,

Auntie Alice xoxo