If you’ve survived the trenches of Cambridge dating, then it’s likely that your partner fits some Cambridge archetype. As a former union hack, and now Varsity hack, I’m aware of the (many) problems my partner has had to endure, and for which I am eternally grateful. Nonetheless, problems inevitably call for solutions. So, if you feel personally victimised by dating a walking, talking archetype, or if you want to know which Cambridge hacks to especially avoid, here’s your ultimate guide to ‘hack’ dating.

A rower:

How are those early mornings treating you? Has your partner managed to change the topic of conversation from the glimmer of the Cam in the morning? Are you adamant that the shimmer of the river is actually E. coli but they still won’t believe you? With a partner on the river by 6.30am, it either means for you there’s no sleepovers, or an insanely early night and an even earlier wake up call. Your idea of an early morning physical activity doesn’t tend to involve eight other people and oars (unless you’re into that). Nonetheless, the best way to navigate this stormy tide is earlier dates, prioritising the time you do have, and really appreciating the rower’s physique they’ve got working for them (just make sure they shower after a heavy erg session).

“Your idea of an early morning physical activity doesn’t tend to involve eight other people and oars (unless you’re into that)”

A union hack:

There really is someone from everyone, and the most resounding case of this is the union hack partner. One of the most hated Cambridge archetypes and for good reason! How much more can you hear about election drama or event logistics? If you’re not a member of their club, I don’t know how it’s going to work. However, it’s not all black tie and right-winged demons. Sometimes, there’s a comedy debate with your name on the dinner table beforehand. It’s also the prime time to be the next First Lady or Gent of the Union, which will do wonders for a future political career, I’m sure. They’ll also be great around your friends, in the hope of scoring some extra votes, so a big win all around.

ADC hack:

Be honest: how much money have you spent on tickets for their shows (and flowers after)? Dare I say, not enough! Unless you’re there every night, I struggle to see your dedication. All in jest, of course. From running lines, ordering tickets, and watching them build an elaborate stage relationship, it may feel like a struggle. Their acting skills may make it harder to see when they’re faking, but alas, you’ve seen them in enough shows to know what’s real and what isn’t! The joys of this relationship will be a behind-the-scenes on all the hot goss in the drama scene, and a better cultural appreciation of theatre.

“There’s lots to be proud about with this person, least of all for ending up with you”

The Try-Hard:

You know those people in school who’d be prefects, sports captain, Gold DofE, and perfect grades, alongside a thriving social life? They didn’t vanish, they got worse. When they’re not running a college JCR, doing a Varsity sport, starting their own societies (emphasis: plural), being at club nights regularly, or smashing their degree, they’ve somehow found time to get into a relationship. With you, no doubt! There’s lots to be proud about with this person, least of all for ending up with you (and using their 24 hours in a day wisely). While they’ll be locked in, somehow, somewhere, their insane level of organisation means they’ll never miss a date or an anniversary. Just be aware that you’re probably going to be on the listening side of a long rant at the end of a busy day. Not that it’s a bad thing.

A Varsity Hack:

Unashamedly, the wannabe journo is probably the best kind of hack to date. You don’t lose out on much time spent together (unless their head is in their laptop planning their next article). Speaking of, you’re always there to read their first draft, even before their section editor. And you’ll always get the inside scoop on official and informal gossip around town. Just be prepared for an inevitable Camfess storm if there’s the slightest whiff of a negative theatre review.

Regardless of what your partner is, or what they like to do, chances are you still love them for it anyways. Whether it’s their rowers’ arms, or guest invites to exclusive events, or you’re just in love with intelligence and ambition, there’s a possibility that their archetype makes them that little bit hotter.