Sex may not be the most common pastime among Cambridge’s student body. Nonetheless, for the small proportion who are ‘getting some’, intercourse still manages to cause havoc when living in college accommodation. Room balloting can become contentious when one finds oneself living next to, above, or below someone who is ‘getting some’ in a very vocal way. I do not begrudge them; if anything, I find their work awe-inspiring. The determination of colleges to try and hinder us from engaging in a perfectly natural activity, namely intercourse, is causing a university-wide problem. One has to navigate the single beds, dodgy springs and foot-thin walls, all while trying to keep the neighbours happy. With this in mind, I produced a guide, a Sex Etiquette if you will, which ensures satisfaction in all corners of the corridor.

Like the Modern Moses, I beseech thee to follow these Sexiquette commandments:

I

Thou shalt turn up thy volume

It’s 8pm and you’re sitting down to catch up on Bake Off. There’s a bass kicking somewhere, a thumping – perhaps a neighbour into their deep house? As you realise what is happening above you is far from a Spotify session, tap that volume ‘+’ button like there’s no tomorrow and sink into Mary Berry’s dulcet tones.

II

Thou shalt close thy curtains

Considering that colleges insist that their accommodation blocks be built opposite to one another, a simple yet effective way to avoid your personal life becoming college gossip next morning is to close your curtains.

III

Thou shalt buy a blow-up mattress

The solution to all these angsts – the blow-up mattress. In my third and final year I have decided to invest in a blow-up mattress, for my emotional welfare. Tried and tested, I have found it to have a variety of purposes. In its first week of use it acted

as a very effective sound proofer – for those dear friends that think of themselves as porn stars, the blow-up mattress, when up against the wall, leaves me to sleep in peace.
Secondly, the blow-up mattress is a better alternative to the floor when trying to avoid the creaking beds or the bashing headboards that give one’s neighbours night terrors. In fact, the inflatable version actually gives a better bounce back than the fun-suckers that are college mattresses.

Freshers looking to make those first impressions, let this be an invaluable guide to navigating the pitfalls and protocol of having sex in college.