Exam term has arrived and personal priorities have been radically reordered. 

Fatigued, anti-social and verging on homicidal, the bleary-eyed students streaming from libraries at closing time deserve some admiration. Some of the honourable among you may question whether this commitment to studying comes at the expense of regular term-time virtues? Well, I would debate the efficacy of these virtues, and, as a prelim-er with little better to do but lead others astray, shall explain why you should embrace the moral wasteland for the higher purpose of exam results.

Wrath: You’re tired, you’re irritable. Let rage-fire fuel your study strength. Why wallow in self-loathing when you could project it outwards? Choosing the object of wrath is key: be generous to your fellow students: you need each other. Getting angry with tourists or Daily Mail reporters is fine because they will enjoy the implied obnoxious Oxbridge superiority. They are much like the girl who was punched by Regina George in Mean Girls and thought it was awesome.

Greed: Good results bring forth nice things like money and good rooms in college. Except if you chose to go to a college which doesn’t offer extravagant perks for scholars, in which case you might care less about nice things... Even so, I suspect that you too are guilty. Wikipedia defines greed as ‘the inordinate desire to possess wealth, goods or’ (and this is more pertinent) ‘objects of abstract value far beyond the dictates of basic survival and comfort’. Degrees are extremely far beyond the dictates of basic survival and comfort. I’m not entirely sure what is more detrimental to survival and comfort than the Cambridge Tripos. That’s why we covet it in a pseudo-idolatrous kind of way. Ergo, you are fundamentally greedy, and would probably be living in a shed or something were this not the case.

Sloth: I can’t really make this one work, which is annoying because it sort of jars with the article format. There is, I suppose some room for sloth this term, because everyone needs to take a break. Do heed the wisdom of the great philosophers at Ofqual: “when you work, work, and when you play, play. The two don't mix.” And who would know better than a government department? So avoid BuzzFeed, but if, like me, you have no self-control, get the app for it.

Pride: A crown of the virtues according to Aristotle: pride is only a problem when misplaced. It’s an obvious one. You have it, or you’d be in Durham right now. Lounging about and doing whatever they do in Durham. Did you accept the insurance offer? No. And why not? Because you have pride.

Lust: Consider the dying libidos of the palpably stressed as a welcome challenge. After all, you produce your best work for your most attractive supervisor. Engage in some stress relief: find a friend and McEwan it up in the library. If no one is keen, move on to Tinder. You’re going to have to take your mind off work somehow… Don’t let the caffeine shakes and poor personal care dampen the allure, but just don’t drag it out. Nobody will thank you for it.

Envy: Bertrand Russell believed envy was a driving force behind the movement towards democracy and must be endured to achieve a more just social system. He also thought it was the most potent cause of human unhappiness… Still, it will probably lead you to do well in a sort of weird, envious, individualistic, chip-on-shouldered, trial-through-adversity, upward-striving, American dream sort of way. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing. 

Gluttony: Basics Jaffa Cakes, free Union cake, heavily processed pseudo-edible commodities washed down with Blue Bolt... Your pale, bloated, corpulent frame will spill over the desk like a beached walrus but the sugar high will give you just enough energy to go on. Do heed, however, the cautionary tale of The Inbetweeners. We don’t want any excretory mishaps mid-exam.

Of course, you could attempt to behave like a reasonable human being, maintain perspective and keep healthy, with just a bit more time on your hands now you’re denied awful music and jägerbombs at Cindies (which is incidentally very irritating for those who have no exams and are forced to find new extra-curricular activities). Alternatively, you could just try to enjoy the perverse solidarity of everyone being stressed up to their eyeballs. You’ll love everyone all the more come May Week.