While the Hot Cross Men don't have any political experience to speak of, they promise to interrupt John Bercow every time he says ‘order’, without fail.Colin Rothwell

The time to trust politicians is over. The people are tired of experts, tired of old folk in suits telling us what to do. It’s time for comedians to take over. It’s time for Hot Cross Men. That’s why Hot Cross Men, an improv trio hitting the ADC stage on Friday 19th May at 11pm, are running to be your local MP.

There will be challenges. We don’t have political experience, the establishment aren’t too keen on us, and we forgot to register in time to get on the ballot. Also, they probably won’t let three people be an MP for one place, even if that place is as GREAT AS CAMBRIDGE (editor: please leave this in; the stupid voters will love it).

Colin Rothwell, comedian and computer scientist, just like George OsborneColin Rothwell

But why did we decide to get into politics? Let us tell you a story. When we were Hot Cross Boys, we went on a school trip to parliament. There, a school-friend of ours got into trouble because he wouldn’t stop drinking Diet Coke inside the House of Lords. Everyone was shouted at him, and he started to cry.

But then, a man appeared. He put his fingers to his lips, and the chamber went silent.

“This boy must be spared!!!” he bellowed, and we could hear all three exclamation marks.

No one said a word. Our friend beamed a smile, and said: “Politicians saved my life.”

Everyone immediately burst into rapturous applause.

That man? Chuka Umunna. The boy? John McDonnell.

Ted Hill, comedian and science communicatorColin Rothwell

If elected, we will work extremely hard, which is true because we plan on keeping our current jobs whilst serving as MP, just like George Osborne. Colin Rothwell is a comedian and computer scientist, just like George Osborne; Ted Hill is a comedian and science communicator; and Haydn Jenkins is a comedian and collects shells from under bridges.

What will we do as your MP?

  • We will renationalise the railways, then sell them back to the private companies for a profit.
  • We will spend £20 million on housing. All of it will go on one house, the occupier of which will be decided by raffle. The result is likely to be one of the members of Hot Cross Men, but don’t kick off about it.
  • We will give our MP salary to charities of our choosing. All of us will choose a different private school.
  • We will be tough on grime, and tough on the causes of grime.
  • Fox hunting will be legalised. To make it more fair, foxes will be trained in combat and fed a potent cocktail of steroids and growth hormones.
  • To appease leavers and remainers alike, we will take Britain back into the EU, then destroy it from within.
  • One the first day of each month, we will release one prisoner, and replace them with an innocent man.
  • Each and every day for the next five years, we will post a picture of us hanging out in Westminster to the homes of Julian Huppert and Daniel Zeichner.
  • We will finally stand up to he-who-must-not-be-named (Blair).
  • We will confiscate all illegal drugs. What we do with them is none of your business.
  • Improv comedy will be taught in schools. It will be taught badly, so that Hot Cross Men will never be usurped.
  • We will publicly denounce the Second World War.
  • We will interrupt John Bercow every time he says ‘order’, without fail.
  • All children will get three school meals.
  • We will shut down one of the UK's three Trident nuclear submarines. What we do with it is none of your business.
  • Ted is going to get a pet rabbit. He’s going to do that even if you don’t make him 1/3 of an MP, he just wants you to know.
Haydn Jenkins, comedian and collector of shells from under bridgesColin Rothwell

We believe we have the most clear and comprehensive programme for Britain. If you think so too or disagree entirely, vote Hot Cross Men on June 8th.

Even if you don’t, at least come and see the show Friday 19th May, 11pm at the ADC

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