It is unfortunate that I and the other Trinity Hall second years are exiled up the hill to Wychfield, a far cry from the cushy, central location that the freshers enjoy but will never appreciate until they too suffer the same exile. It was even more unfortunate that my bike was stolen two weeks ago after an ill-advised night near Parker’s Piece. Faced with the long, half-hour walk to lectures, I had to seek alternatives. Remembering my broadly positive experiences with electric scooters in Hamburg and Providence, Rhode Island, I elected to try out Voi’s offering.

This was a mistake.

Vois were first deployed onto Cambridge’s streets back in August 2020. The move came with much fanfare, with Conservative then-Mayor James Palmer claiming that Vois had “the potential to revolutionise travel”. Lofty claims indeed, but two years on, the fruits of revolution are yet to ripen. Instead, James Palmer, like any good vanguard, was devoured by his “revolution”, losing his mayorship in a humiliating election result last year. Not even his unbelievably narcissistic choice to stick his name on every Voi in Cambridge and Peterborough could save him.

“Voi sells you freedom but gives you tyranny”

It’s hardly surprising that Palmer and Cambridge Conservatives were so vociferous in their support for Vois. Much like with Brexit, “Levelling Up,” or any other of the Conservative’s pet gimmicks, they might make for good soundbites – but reality eventually catches up.

Vois are perhaps the most infuriating mode of transport I have ever used. From the nannyish policing of parking and speed limits, to the unnecessary ID verification process, Voi sells you freedom but gives you tyranny – a very apt parallel with the current Conservative party. This is not even mentioning the frequent mechanical and software problems I have encountered as a regular user.

And so, even the best commutes by Voi put me on the precipice of road rage. Vois are surprisingly slow, being capped at only around 10 mph. Every morning I am forced to experience this ritualistic humiliation as even the most unenthusiastic of bike riders zip past me. This problem only gets worse as I turn off Bridge Street onto St John’s Street. Here you hit the dreaded “Slow Zone”, halving your top speed. Now, for just 20p a minute, I have the privilege of being overtaken by brisk walkers. An agonising number of minutes later, I reach the end of both King’s Parade and Slow Zone oppression.

The final nail in the coffin for the Voi comes while riding down Silver Street. Annoyingly I must go right past the Varsity offices, past even Queens’ to a parking zone by Darwin. Here the Voi overlords demand I take a picture of the parked Voi, levying a £5 fine for “poor photo quality”, increasing up to £25 for “bad parking”. Apparently, I used up my 2 warnings by accidentally taking blurry photos. Finally then, I must shuffle back the way I came across Silver Street bridge to the office.  So honestly, just get a bike.

Much of the nannying comes directly from Westminster itself rather than Cambridge County Council or Voi’s chic offices in Stockholm. Cambridge was fortunate enough to be listed as an E-scooter “trial” area where rental E-scooters are decriminalised. Bizarrely though, it is still illegal across all of the UK to operate personal E-scooters on public land. And predictably, the Met enforced this entirely victimless crime with glee, seizing 500 scooters in just a week last year.

“Revolution requires risk and radicalism, not tacky orange toys”

The problems with Vois seem to be uniquely British. My previous experiences with E-scooters in the US and Germany were unmarred by any of these problems. You had the freedom and flexibility to park them anywhere and your speed was not arbitrarily restricted. In some ways the UK’s restrictions may seem common sense. Stories of pavements being littered by parked E-scooters were common during the their early years. This alongside the reports of rider deaths, such as that of Emily Hartridge, compelled the government to clarify that E-scooters are “powered transporters” and hence illegal on roads under the Road Traffic Act 1988. However, in all these cases it is not E-scooters at fault – but the car. If we banned cars from city centres, pavements could be much larger, rather than pushing pedestrians to the margins as is currently the case. Larger pavements would make E-scooter “littering” a non-issue and when, according to American statistics, 80% of fatal E-scooter accidents involve cars, it would solve most safety concerns too.

So, former Mayor Palmer, if you wanted a transport revolution, you should’ve banned cars from Cambridge. But much like your Conservative comrades; the same comrades who after over a decade of pointless deliberation cancelled the Eastern leg of HS2, denying the North investment it desperately needs, you are utterly spineless. Revolution requires risk and radicalism, not tacky orange toys.