I know you usually answer questions about people’s problems here, but I simply must ask: did you actually become a missing person? What’s the lore?

Oh, God. Get a drink, get a snack, this’ll take a while. So, back when I was crashing on my college husband’s floor (I intermitted for a year and didn’t have accommodation of my own) we went on a two man night out. Another crucial detail: he’s a notorious manslag and major liability. In MASH, while I was harassed by some hideous man, my husband got with a mutual friend of ours; it’s always an awkward situation when you’re on a two-man and the other person is snogging the face off somebody in a dark corner the entire time. I made an escape to the toilets and texted my husband saying I wanted to leave because A) this guy won’t leave me alone, B) I’m bored, and C) it’s getting late. I was met only with the instructions to “pull somebody” or meet him in Taco Bell later. My husband genuinely expected me to wait at 3am, in Taco Bell of all places, while he shagged this girl. Abso-bloody-lutely not.

“Lo and behold, there is a real police car out there”

Luckily, my college daughter came to the rescue and let me stay over. I refused to answer his many spam calls because I was (understandably) very pissed off. You don’t abandon each other on a two man night out! When I woke up, I happened to see his Instagram story which said “LMAO how did Frash end with a police report?” I didn’t think much of it – as I said, he’s a liability. Suddenly, my daughter gets a phone call from the police, saying they want to speak to me. I pick up, assuming, as anyone would, that it was a prank call, and laugh it off … until I’m instructed to look outside the window. Lo and behold, there is a real police car out there. Apparently, my husband, still half drunk at 6am, went to the police station in a frenzy of guilty panic with the girl he’d ditched me for, begging them to file an official missing persons report because I wasn’t answering my phone. Also, the CCTV had shown another ginger girl who looked like me getting in a car and, logically, I was presumed abducted. The police officer quickly identified me and took the missing person report down (bless him, he had picked a very flattering picture to be fair) and I profusely apologised for wasting such valuable police time. It took me a long time to forgive my husband, but at least I made a good friend out of the girl he hooked up with and it’s now a very funny in-joke (which you’re all now in on, you’re welcome).

I haven’t heard from my college parents since family night. What do I do?!

Unfortunately, in my first year I was in exactly your situation. My college mums seemed like lovely people but we were very different and only really united by course. Admittedly, they did apologise for their absence when they heard I’d intermitted. Sometimes, it’s not meant to be: not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Luckily, various other uni-wide societies have a family system, and there are other families within your college to join like BME or LGBTQ+. You could also join a friend’s college family. Me and my intercollegiate spouse (yes, my husband and I are at different colleges) adopted a poor, neglected fresher and we can’t imagine not being her (inter)college parents now. I don’t think she even remembers her original parents.

“Sometimes, your parents are your enemies”

You never know, you could be making a lucky escape – your parents may be secretly trying to sabotage you. I distinctly remember mine asking if I was going to shave my head because they claimed it was tradition for first-year Englings at my college. Sometimes, your parents are your enemies.

Any advice for a tripos bottomer?

The worst aspect of Cambridge (other than cyclists) is tripos rankings. I appreciate that people seek the affirmation, and apparently a higher ranking looks better for internships or whatever, but comparison is the thief of joy. People need to remember they’re among the brightest minds of, not only this country, but the world (wanky as this sounds) and, realistically, being at the ‘bottom’ of a Cambridge cohort would still make you a top student elsewhere. Your grade is more important than a ranking. Ask yourself, does it really matter if somebody comes 15th versus 21st out of a 180+ cohort? Bit anal if you ask me. If you are insecure about it, just thank the Lord the dark ages are behind us, and rankings are no longer public – remember, you don’t have to tell anyone.

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