Sidney Sussex

School: Winchester

Date of birth:  5th February 1989

Date of death: I’ll let you know when it’s all over.

Sexuality: Straight

Ethnicity: White British (is this an ethnicity?)

Religion: Well, I go to Chapel but largely for the chill-factor.

Emergency contact: Don’t bother. It was probably my fault.

Smoker: No thanks. I’ve seen enough of the Footlights for this term.

Number of sexual partners? I won’t comment on number; but they have all been excellent (although nos. 86 and 115 were a little sub-par).

Pets? About 7 (but they are nothing to do with me).

Mental health problems: Not when last I checked.

Favourite book?

Probably the Papers of A. J. Wentworth by H. F. Ellis. Its a sort of more niche version of Decline and Fall.

Actual favourite book?:

The as yet unpublished memoirs of the President of my College Drinking Society; ‘Beyond the Ale; the Life and Times of a Gentleman Rogue’

What are you reading?

The Sun.


Where do you live?

In the real world or here?

Where do you sleep?

I make a point of keeping it varied.

Where will you be on Wednesday night?

Probably outside Cindies, desperately trying to appear in Cindies Stories.

When did you first realise that you wanted to be a megalomaniac?

When I learned what the word meant.

Who’s your favourite dictator?

The Magazine Editor of Varsity.

What’s the working title for your spill-all memoirs?

See answer to earlier question (the one about actual favourite book)

How many copies will it sell?

There is only one person I’d want to read it.

Who’s your Cambridge arch-nemesis?


What’s the worst joke you’ve ever heard?

Q. What is politicks?
A. Lots of small itchy insects.

If you could rule any country (UK and USA aside) which would it be?

Seriously: Zimbabwe. And then hand it over to Morgan.

When you’re rich and powerful and the university is offering to name something after you, what will you request?

Murray Edwards should be due a re-branding by then shouldn’t it?

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Taller than I was when I stayed down.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Happy, at one with myself and satisfied with my life (an investment banker).

What’s the key to happiness?

Not knowing.

What will be written on your gravestone?

Nothing that the scourge of time cannot wear away.

Who would play you in the film of your life?

I don’t really care so long as I get to direct it.

Who will play your arch-nemesis in the film of your life?

Rowan Atkinson. If my arch nemesis can be played by Rowan Atkinson then I’ve got nothing to worry about.

Which pokemon would play you in the cartoon of your life?

I don’t know any, I’m afraid.

What’s next for Tom Davenport?

Toms Formal Hall

Do you have anything you’d like to ask us?

What is Cindies Stories?