What 2011 holds for us all is really something very difficult to grasp and almost beyond imagination, a bit like a romantic city break in Pyongyang or George Alagiah on crack. Sure, the future lies in wait, but as yet it is a million unknown decisions away, a looming shapeless void not unlike Nick Clegg’s conscience, the road to which promises nothing but an obstacle course of broken dreams and library fines.

And as our university and our nation coughs, splutters and skids its way into three hundred and sixty-five brand new days of limitless possibility, we are left with only a few precious certainties on which to cling. There will be bloodshed, war and terror. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. There will be another series of ITV’s Dancing on Ice.

But in a world where everything eventually finds its way onto Wikileaks, is it safe to air any more predictions for year ahead? Well, losing five stone or giving up smoking is already out: much more likely to succeed in 2011 are New Year’s revolutions.

These aren’t just contained to student movements – Brendan Barber et al will continue to hold the country to ransom with their unions’ less-than-protestant work ethic. But no need to worry: it’s fairly easy to mitigate the inevitable disruption by simply choosing not to travel anywhere in 2011, at all, by any means whatsoever, and certainly not by train. Or tube. Or aeroplane.

Just as the proletariat will bitch, the rich will get hitched. Yes, 2011 is very much the year of Kate and Wills, and whilst you’re perfectly right to be excited, please remember that they want to keep it on the down low as much as possible, not least out of sensitivity in this age of austerity. So, in what promises to be the most low-key high-profile event ever that never happened, the Prince and Kate caught-in-the-Middle-ton will begin their new life together as the youth wing of the UK’s most functional family. And of course, we probably won’t hear much about it.

Anyway, just before it all kicks off in earnest, it’s reassuring to note that guidelines have been issued from the palace to ensure that all official kitsch released in time for the wedding remains tasteful. Only certain images of the couple can be used, only certain wording can be emblazoned, and the Prince’s coat of arms can’t be reproduced on anything dodgy like a commemorative breathalyzer, for example. It’s fortunate, then, that there aren’t any unofficial merchandisers jumping on the occasion with all the alacrity and tenacity of Julian Assange stumbling across a big unlocked filing cabinet marked ‘secret’ falling out of an embassy window.

And woe of woes, it’s also worth noting that experts say this year will see what’s called a ‘Euro crisis’. Whether that comes in the shape of the collapse of the doomed single currency or the cancellation of Take That’s reunion tour remains to be seen. Whatever happens, as appositely named pop band Europe once predicted, this is indeed “the final countdown” for our closest neighbours. Ireland’s sunk already, and Spain and Portugal are next. You could say the end is neighberia.

Closer to home, it’s known on good authority that the coalition government will collapse by the end of 2011. Then we may well be hurled back to the uncertain days of last May, jumping down the wormhole of political insanity once more like a stupid pigeon flying into a window over and over again. Since a Nick Clegg resurgence is about as likely as Gok Wan joining the SAS, perhaps it’s now time to survey our swamp of political nothingness for possible leads…

Meanwhile, across the pond, this year will see the selection of the Republican candidate who may well replace Barack Obama at the next contest for the most important, influential and powerful office on earth. The front-runner for selection is Sarah Palin.

Oh. Happy New Year!