“On Wednesdays we wear masks”: Boris Johnson unveils new COVID-19 roadmap

Violet reporter Evie Lucas strikes again with breaking news on the next super-scientific COVID-19 roadmap and how to stay out of Boris’ burn book

Evie Lucas

‘I’m very confident that this new law will make a huge impact in the UK. Unless it doesn’t. In which case, everything will be closed down again.’Photo: Michael Tubi / Shutterstock.com; Editing: Evie Lucas

After much criticism for reopening the UK earlier than experts advised, Boris Johnson has decided to address the public’s worries by introducing a new law, stating that “On Wednesdays we wear masks.” From now on, between the hours of 12am-11.59pm each Wednesday, Boris has announced that, unless members of the public are sporting this season’s Covid line, they will be deemed ‘Un-fetch’ and will not be allowed to sit with the Prime Minister or any of his Cabinet.

The news comes from the most recent Government announcement that took place in the House of Commons Cafeteria last week. Boris, holding up a scientific calculator as evidence, declared: “I have estimated that reinstating strict COVID rules for one day a week will cut rates of infection by, I don’t know, at least half?” This means the UK could avoid what has been seen by some as an inevitable lockdown in August, just weeks after scrapping the rules: “I’m very confident that this new law will make a huge impact in the UK. Unless it doesn’t. In which case, everything will be closed down again.”

The Prime Minister’s new announcements, however, have not gone without criticism, as many people are unsure if a single day will make a sizeable difference to the rates of infection. One notable critique came from former Chief Adviser Dominic Cummings, who resigned last year to pursue his dreams of travelling full-time: “The popularity of being PM has most certainly gone to his head. Not only is this a ridiculous idea which will only confuse the public even more, but the consequences of breaking said rules are simply unethical. And stop trying to make Fetch happen. It’s not going to happen.”


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Dominic Cummings refers to the controversial punishments for people who do not wear masks on Wednesdays. As part of the new law, those not complying will be added to Boris’ personal Burn Book, which he will then read out at weekly Government announcements. We contacted Stephen Jones, the first person to be added to the Burn Book, for comment: “I don’t agree with the new law. I lowered my mask for a moment, just to scratch my nose, and now suddenly I’m being called a nasty skank bitch by Jon Snow on the news.”

In a recent interview, Boris Johnson addressed the criticism in a scathing response: “I’m sorry that everybody is, like, in love with me or something. This new regulation is valid and has been created to keep everybody and everything safe, functional, and most importantly, on-trend. Please continue to follow the relevant government guidance and be sensible. Unless it’s Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. Oh, and Cummings? He doesn’t even go here.”