It’s a sad day for dating app users, as COVID-19 finally forces Tinder into bankruptcy. Not all hope is lost, however, as the app has been taken over by a popular online shopping website. Now, instead of swiping on the app, users will be directed to a confusing section of ASOS where they can still shop for Tinder classics like ‘that person who will ask you out before immediately ghosting’, ‘your supervisor’, and ‘creepy Carl’, who are currently on sale. Tinder has been commodifying people since 2012 and does not intend to stop teaching students how disposable they are, says Tinder representative: ‘we are so proud of what we have achieved, and we are adamant that a pandemic will not sever real and authentic human connection. That’s our job.’

With the new acquisition comes some changes in how Tinder works. The traditional flagship Tinder swiping will transform into a more streamlined ‘add-to-basket’ system, to fit in with ASOS’s other products. After, users have the option to ‘buy’ or ‘bin’; ‘Given the current climate, we’ve taken care to ensure that all produc – sorry, users – are COVID-free before being uploaded online.’ Users should be aware, however, that the prevalence of STDs are still down to potluck and ASOS do not hold any liability.

The company are also introducing a new review system, whereby users can leave constructive comments on people’s profiles for others to see and judge. According to ASOS, though, this hasn’t been as effective as they’d hoped: ‘After a review of the past month, the review system is currently under review. Feedback doesn’t seem to make much difference in whether people add them to basket or not, which suggests it’s not a helpful feature. For example, one very attractive user, despite the overwhelmingly negative feedback, continues to sell very well. People keep returning to him even though they know exactly what they’re going to get. We’re still trying to figure it out.’

After conducting interviews with students across Cambridge, it seems that many are still on the fence with the new acquisition. However, one student praises the change as more suitable for the sometimes-hectic atmosphere in Cambridge: ‘I can’t get enough of Tinder. It’s my primary on-the-toilet entertainment. I was so sad to hear it had been taken over, but I think ASOS has done a good job. It’s actually quite useful; it means I can get a date, and the clothes for a date, all in the same basket. That’s what it’s all about, really, isn’t it? Efficiency. And love. Efficient love.’

‘Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I do miss the intimacy of the old Tinder, there was something truly visceral about swiping left and right till I got debilitating thumb-cramp. I’ve been getting a bit of withdrawal, actually; since the app disappeared, I’ve been compulsively swiping, even in real life, and last week when I was accosted by somebody I was really not interested in, I accidentally slapped them left. Explaining didn’t make it better. But it’s still an improvement, because progress is always progress, right? Right? – Oh look, someone bought me!’