It is the consequence of capitalism, as opposed to my personal journey, that has led me to this week’s challenge. After the sheer number of Headspace ads that have been bombarding my social media, I have decided that it would be easier to give in and try it, rather than abstaining on principle. The hopeful part of me thought that if I downloaded it the ads would stop coming up. The realistic part of me laughed mockingly at such a naïve assumption.

In all honesty, it was a redownload. I tried it two years ago, for a long enough period of time that I began hearing Mr Headspace’s soothing voice whenever I started to feel stressed. “Focus on the breath” he would tell me, and focus on the breath I would. A few months into my mindfulness journey, I made the error of researching the man behind the voice. It wasn’t that he was embroiled in a scandal or anything (although that would make for a good sketch). It was that the very act of putting a face to the name was enough to throw me off completely. It isn’t entirely because he looks like the estranged brother of J.K. Simmons, but it doesn’t help. Now, every time I try to listen to a meditation practice, I have J.K. Simmons’ character in Whiplash telling me to be calm, focus and WERE YOU RUSHING OR WERE YOU DRAGGING?!

It’s a challenge. But if I was going to commit to this week’s challenge (which after last week’s failure, I had to) I couldn’t fall at the first hurdle. I decided to watch another J.K. Simmons movie, to get the evil conductor Simmons out of my head, so I watched Juno. Despite the film being problematic in all kinds of 2007 Oscar-nominated ways, Simmons’ character, the father of the protagonist, was suitably 2D for my purposes. Now, when the meditation guru in my headphones told me to “familiarise myself with my environment”, it sounded less like the sarcastic prelude to a loud scolding, and more like a sincere, although probably outdated, piece of advice.

This is the longest I’ve got in an article before referencing the central conceit of this column. Maybe the meditation turned my mind away from lifestyle YouTubers - that glamorous, zen group of hard workers, toiling away at the envy factory. Although one of the reasons I’ve got this far is the drawn-out J.K. Simmons anecdote, I genuinely think the second most important reason is Headspace. Why? Because they paid me to say that.

I kid. Headspace didn’t respond to my email asking them to sponsor me. It seems they’re doing well enough off their YouTube ad. To be fair, it is bloody good. But despite my desire each day to close the app midway through a half hour meditation practice and watch the ad instead (it’s shorter, and leads directly into a football highlights video) I persevered. I wasn’t very good, but by the end of the week I was getting used to noticing when I had let my mind drift off to whether I had remembered to change my Fantasy Football captain, or why YouTube had started putting ads at the end of videos, or J.K. Simmons’ perfectly bald head.

"I’d recommend this challenge. It’s fairly easy and doesn’t require much resilience or cardiovascular fitness."

I’d recommend this challenge. It’s fairly easy and doesn’t require much resilience or cardiovascular fitness. And, unbelievably, the Headspace ads stopped. They completely vanished. Instead, I started seeing ads for Deliveroo, Just Eat and Uber Eats everywhere. I couldn’t see a pattern, but I decided to order myself a pizza to give me the energy to work it out.

A new shower head arrived yesterday. Next week’s challenge is cold showers. Hopefully I’ll be able to use Mr Headspace’s advice to help me cope with the cold. What is it he said, in yesterday’s practice? Oh yes, I remember. “Breathe in slowly, hold for ten, breathe out. YOU THINK THAT WAS TEN YOU USELESS IDIOT? IF YOU CAN’T COUNT YOU CAN LEAVE MY JAZZ BAND RIGHT NOW!”