Assuming that based off of my last article you haven’t already found yourself in a fulfilled and loving monogamous relationship – if you have, wow! You move quickly, congrats. This week, we’re discussing one-night stands.

You know the scene: you kept catching each other’s eyes in the glorified alleyway Vinyl calls a smoking area. The bouncer was strict about those groups of six, so you figured, alas, it just wasn’t going to happen. Next thing you know, you’re eating cheesy chips outside Gardies with some freshers you met on the way out and the person wanders on over. Hmm … I could go home alone, have a pack of super noodles and chun in my sink. Or, I could make some potentially more questionable decisions and have a story to tell the next morning over brunch.

My sources have submitted some juicy questions and, in turn, served some occasionally harsh realities. So, whether you meet them in the club, on Tinder, or waiting for your chicken quesadilla outside Van of Life (I don’t judge!) – or if you’re not into one-night stands and are just a wee bit intrigued – let’s get into it.

Do you … want to have one?

SUCH a variety of responses to this question, probably to be expected – varying from a blunt “no” to an equally honest “yes!” There are people at every point on this spectrum. One person said that they’d be interested, but it would 100% depend on who it was; she didn’t want one just for the sake of having one. Some people even said that in lockdown, they’d missed having one-night stands! Someone said they loved “the thrill of it being someone you’re not actually dating but are very attracted to in the heat of the moment.” The heat of the moment…what’s that, step four of Boris’s roadmap? Another person said they’d be up for it – but never again in Cambridge. Why? Because “y’all are shit in bed.” Yikes. Thank God for anonymity.

What traits are you looking for in a guy when evaluating whether to have a one-night stand?

Essentially, just someone you’re attracted to: you find them fit, have good banter, laugh at their jokes (“you know the saying you can laugh a girl into bed, that’s me”). It’s mainly about clicking with a person and feeling a spark. Still, people said they looked for some traits more specifically in one-night stands, such as being “an uncomplicated person”, outgoing, and respectful (ie, isn’t “gonna chat shit about me to their mates or be a dick after”). It seems that even for a one-time thing, the vibe is the most important thing – one person said they don’t like having one-night stands through Tinder because you can’t get a person’s vibe virtually. Not 100% sure about this – I think you can get a lot about a person from their Spotify anthem (Touch by Hybrid Minds, anyone?).

Would you want to know if your one-night stand is a virgin? If yes, then why?

Most people expressed that if the other person would be comfortable sharing, they’d like to know but it wouldn’t bother them if they kept it to themselves. Some said that sharing personal information like this can make the experience more intimate which might make it better, but most agreed that “it doesn’t really matter much.” At the end of the day guys – virginity is just a social construct. Everything is a social construct! Society is a social construct. You are a social construct. (Overheard HSPS students on Sidg site.)

Do you use condoms because of pregnancy scares or are you also thinking about STDs?

Some people said both, but most said that when it comes to one-night stands, it’s because of STDs. I hate to sound like a poster on the back of a toilet stall door in college (really, really I do), but chlamydia in particular is rife in Cambridge! A lot of people pointed out that if someone wants to have unprotected sex with you, they probably have with other people. People on regular birth control said with a long-term partner it’s less of an issue, but when it comes to one-night stands: “get a grip, protection is sexy.” God, I sound like a PSA and I hate it, let’s move on.

Do you like it when a girl takes control?

Ooh la la, getting a bit spicier. It can be hard to know what someone’s into when it’s a one-time thing. Responses ranged, but no one said they didn’t like it – people varied from “indifferent” or “whatever you’re into” to “I definitely do” and “yes, that’s hot as fuck.” Someone offered a more intellectual take (classic Cambridge): “there might be a misconception among girls that guys want them to let them do what they want and take control, but I think almost all guys like when a girl takes more charge than most do in our culture.” Overheard from a friend – the Ann Summers sale section is a good place to start if you’re needing some help …

What would make you want to see your one-night stand again?

Basically, if they see you as potentially having a place in their life – whether as a friend, friend with bens, or romantic partner. If they were really attracted to you – ie, “when sober” – they might be more likely to want to see you again. More than that, an emotional connection seems to be what would draw people in for more.

If your one night stand was well-endowed, would you be more likely to see them again?

Varsity: bringing the issues that matter to the intellectuals of Cambridge since 1947. Short answer: no. Long answer: not really, because size is significantly less important than skill. Most people said that they were more concerned with “technique”, and that if their one-night stand was good in bed it would definitely make them more likely to see the person again. Indeed, one lyrical response read: “If you’ve done the impossible and made a lass come, then they’re probably going to want to see you every day.” Ah. Moving. Isn’t that basically what the romantic poets wrote about?

What is your opinion of the people you have one-night stands with? Do you view them as less than other girls?

As much as you might like to think you’re ~not like other girls~, apparently … you are. Pretty much every response to this question went something along the lines of “I view them the same as everyone else”. The thing is that, like contemplating writing yourself a Crushbridge so a certain someone knows you’re in demand, a lot of people do it (a lot of people do that, right? Right?!). One person noted that they wouldn’t view someone they’d had a one-night stand with as less than other girls but, in a girlfriend, they might want someone who took their time. To each their own I guess – but it seems that if you do what makes sense for you, you’ll attract likeminded people.

How deep is a one-night stand, is it okay to get with their friend after you got with them?

Ah, a tale as old as time. We all have our favourites (college, accommodation block, rugby club …) What do you do when you have a type and your one-night stand happens to introduce you to someone else just like them? You know what they say, birds of a feather … Unfortunately, although most responses said that one-night stands were “not that deep”, many also expressed some hesitations about trading in someone for their own friend. Those who were against it said: “Bit of a shitty thing to do,” “I wouldn’t want someone to think I’m a fuckboy, so it’s probably the same in reverse,” and, more bluntly, “stop”. Others were more tempered, saying, “I think it’s okay if all the person wanted was a one-night stand” or “I think it’s alright, but I can see why it would annoy the first person.” Good news is, at least one top shagger said nah, don’t worry, “100% you can get with the friend.” I guess it only takes one, so full steam ahead? Opinions are definitely split, but the consensus seems to be: maybe consider expanding your horizons. Maybe.

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A long one this week! It seems that the nature of one-night stands means it’s a topic that people are sometimes reluctant to talk openly about. My sources had loads of questions at the ready (these covered barely half of what was submitted!) and had a lot to say in response. The good news is anonymity means only you know if I’m calling you out … it won’t help your chances of getting on the BNOC 100 but maybe that’s for the best. Next time, we’ll be discussing a related topic: drawing the tricky line between love and lust.