Being housebound has its perks, we really do have time in the mornings to grab more than just a coffee. Then again … I miss those breakfast buffets. When planning my very imaginary weekend break I couldn’t help but mourn the year of lost hotel breakfasts. The vertical cereal dispensers, some slightly dodgy-looking scrambled eggs, and the squeaky toast machines that look like they would be fantastic fairground rides. In preparation for the ever closer return to hotel visits, and the hope that we shall soon see the revival of their gluttonous breakfasts, I have prepared for you a definitive guide to hotel mornings, so that when we finally get to face the buffet, all the choices won’t be stopping us in our tracks.

Hotel Breakfasts: 

(ordered alphabetically, for your convenience)

"It’s the Meryl Streep of breakfast"

Cereal:

"C" for classic. Some would say "C" for child-like. I would say "C" for Creation of the Gods. There is a reason why this delicacy is a strong contender for the breakfast Hall of Fame. It’s the Meryl Streep of breakfast – from Coco Pops to Bran Flakes and from Mamma Mia to The Iron Lady: they’ve both got range.

Texture – 8/10 (*controversial opinion* I like mine soggy)

Flavour – 6/10

Variety – 10/10

Fills me up – 4/10

Overall – 7/10 

Fruit Salad and Yoghurt:

This was a tough one to include, I mean, is it really a breakfast, or just an introduction to the main event? Don’t get me wrong, I love a bit of juicy pineapple, I’m just not sure, this being my first hotel meal and all, that it would be my first choice.

Texture – 3/10 (it’s all mush, isn’t it?)

Flavour – 8/10

Variety – 4/10

Fills me up – 2/10

Overall – 4/10

Full English:

In my opinion it’s a rollercoaster of a breakfast. There’s so much going on. You turn away from the beans and there’s a sausage, and you just about finish that before diving into whatever form of egg is on offer. Eating this first thing in the morning often leads to gastronomic exhaustion, but its medicinal properties for curing hangovers are a real win.

Texture – 5/10

Flavour – 7/10

Variety – 10/10

Fills me up – 10/10

Overall – 9/10

Granola:

Possibly the most uneventful dish on the list. A flurry of pebbles in the mouth, feeling a lot like stale cereal. It’s very difficult to make this one an enjoyable experience, so do let me know if you manage it. (I know this is a boring review, but that’s granola for you.)

Texture – 2/10

Flavour – 3/10

Variety – 3/10

Fills me up – 5/10

Overall – 3/10

Muffins and Pastries:

What a sugar high. I’m sure if we could all eat pastries for the rest of our lives, we would. I’m a personal fan of the Danish pastry, but I wouldn’t say no to a croissant, or a pain au chocolat for that matter. The muffins at a breakfast buffet? Always a let down. There’s never enough chocolate or enough blueberries, but I guess we can’t all be as perfect as a cinnamon roll.

Texture – 7/10

Flavour – 9/10

Variety – 8/10

Fills me up – 6/10

Overall – 8/10

Porridge:

A big no. Porridge is personal. Never trust someone else to make you porridge. If Goldilocks and the Three Bears taught us anything, it's that finding your perfect porridge is a miracle, and not something a one-stop breakfast buffet can provide.

Texture – 2/10

Flavour – 4/10

Variety – 5/10

Fills me up – 8/10

Overall – 4/10

Toast:

I could write a love letter to this one. A love affair that will last a lifetime. Although problematic when the toaster is too hot, too slow, or gets broken, this is surely a delight and makes a glorious breakfast. Its brilliance is partly to do with the plethora of toppings available. It is possibly the only time I ever eat apricot jam, and we all swoon for those little pots of Nutella that are the perfect size for sticking down your bra. Not that I’m speaking from experience ...

Texture – 7/10

Flavour – 8/10

Variety – 10/10

Fills me up – 7/10

Overall – 8/10

 And there we have it, the Full English takes the crown. Did you really expect any other outcome? This guy, quite literally, has it all. It provides the joy that we all crave and the finesse that you can’t quite grasp at home. Premier Inn buffet, I’m counting down the days.

 *a commendable mention goes to the humble hard-boiled egg, which is in my opinion quite irrelevant and thus a known favourite of Prince Charles.