VIOLET EXCLUSIVE: The Constitution of the Caprine Republic of Wales

Brave journalist Bob Hewis gives us a first-hand account of the recent Goat revolution

Bob Hewis

Pictured above, so-called GRUFF's base of operationsHelen Grant

With the world in lockdown, Mother Nature has been given space to breathe. For the first time in centuries, the waters of Venice’s canals are running clear, the cloud of pollution over LA’s skies has disappeared, and there have been reports of Mariah Carey being spotted outside before the 1st December. These are indeed unprecedented times. But for some, they are a long overdue. I speak, of course, of the revolutionary guerrilla group known as GRUFF (Goats for the Republic of Underrepresented Farmyard Friends).

"Comrade Billy marched his 4000 followers down from the hills"

For years they have been recruiting comrades in the hills of Wales, waiting for their moment. There had been whisperings that their leader, Comrade Billy, was to present himself to the troops on the 21st April. We can now exclusively confirm that such a meeting did take place and on Wednesday 22nd April, “Earth Day” as it is known in LLyfr Geifr (The Book of the Goats), Comrade Billy marched his 4000 followers down from the hills.

Once he was assured that the armed forces had been called off, the leader granted certain members of the press a private meeting, wishing to present to us the fruits of his time in exile: a list of ideals and values upon which he vowed to construct a utopian Republic for the goats of Wales. I have printed below what we were able to salvage of the document some are calling ‘The Constitution of the Caprine Republic of Cymru’:

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Iu dfiywetgr we weg of97tfq

Wehufwn wefuawer iuh I afwe 9y7 w8 ywerh9u wdfb r97 ywe r hwfbiwf98y wert – 9TWE

Uwfg iwef 87 tweiug dfiygwdf9 YEW08 Y3R08Y3 Rwe

W]-9 uwe97ye Few

W

F7te fq[8ERY T


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E 8Yw fywft. UF0WE

WE-9 GYWGIIGYfe8yzjbOUGH sdg sih afy wuoey aw986rt456 4q 5WT G A[9W7RY 294YT WAYFG WIUEHFBi aughw ptagw ;iuhwirbf

Uh ohy rg

Wa9e8ty w9y aw[et

Sdkhfg 08yw e hiuhouhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

~

At this point in the writing process, and visibly frustrated, Comrade Billy was forced to abandon his work after his unwieldy hooves had detached most of the keys from the 1996 Windows PC his Politburo had managed to steal for the task. Before we were able to ask any questions, the revolutionary leader ordered a full retreat of his troops. We have since heard word that Billy intends to return only once he has developed opposable thumbs.

We wait in fear for this day to arrive…