I am the biggest bullshitter you’ll ever meet. I can talk out of my literal anus for hours on end. I can spin utter crap into poetry; I can make verbal diarrhoea look enchanting; I can turn constipated speech into prosody.

Ask any one of my six-ish friends and they too will testify to my artistry. I do not flounder or stutter. I do not um or err with caution. I am utterly, convincingly dedicated to my bullshitting.

I guess, in part, this stems from natural talent (my parents are so so proud of my gift!); I’m a confident public speaker and have learnt to shove that niggling self-doubt which hinders so many of us where the sun don’t shine. It might also be because I’m an English student, and that in itself is synonymic for spouting pure nonsense at every opportunity. A large percentage of any given essay is garbage, bashed out hurriedly with a sprinkling of fancy vocab to pad out the word count and disillusion any wary supervisor who begins to catch a whiff of shit.

I don’t know where my arguments will lead, but what I do know is that anything said with enough passion (or with the faux knitted eyebrows and thoughtful expression of someone who actually has read their material) will launch me through supervisions with ease. Latch on to your supervisor’s train of thought and ride with them to the sweet station of success – they’ll believe it was your artistry all along if you free-style well enough.

But while bullshitting at an amateur level may smooth out a rocky supo, or make a ropey essay seem more believable, pro BS requires a dash more dedication. Nothing too strenuous – not only am I fab at bullshitting but also at procrastination, what a catch – but to really reach that God-tier hogwash, your BS needs padding out. Here’s my expose on how to up your garbling game.

“Bullshit is parallel to creativity, synonymous with artistic licence and the pushing of boundaries”

Roll with those abstract thoughts – English students take note; no prac-crit thought is out of bounds or too edgy if you say it with enough expression. Bullshit is parallel to creativity, synonymous with artistic licence and the pushing of boundaries.

Cite yourself – came up with an uncharacteristically brilliant idea? Quizzically look around the room whilst murmuring something about a lecture/book/article/website which had some profound take on your material. No one needs to know you whipped it out your arse 0.3 seconds ago AND bonus points for looking like you’ve done some work.

Start with what you know – try using a memorable, unique fact that you can interlink into your speech. It’ll give your BS substance and power. Advanced BSers will know how to seamlessly add in a fact even if it is unrelated – talk about what you want to talk about by flawlessly remoulding the subject focus.

Invite audience participation – turn the tables and ask others to talk. Riff off their thought line and you’ll be bound to hit that bullshit sweet-spot; we inherently love someone who engages with our ideas.

Fake it till you make it – faux-confidence is of the utmost importance. You don’t need the bravado of some Eton chap who’s never been told his voice doesn’t matter, or even an inkling of extrovertism; you simply need to fake that knowing nod, that crinkled eyebrow, that deliberate pause and take control of the your own self-doubt.

Most importantly: know when to stop.

Sometimes silence is your best friend. There’s a fine line between confidence, arrogance and idiocy. Don’t desecrate the illusion by fumbling; if you aren’t confident in your BS ability, don’t get out of your depth. You’ll look like a right tit