Fake News: NOW the lefty-liberal Cambridge elite want to turn the world into a NOCTURNAL BINGE-RAVE!

Simon West brings back Violet’s fictional correspondent Dale E Mail for a very special occasion

Simon West

Satan's survivorsRobinson May Ball

Once more the lefty luvvies at the so-called University of Cambridge have turned out in their droves for a week of celebrations which isn’t even in the month it claims to be. May Week (nothing to do with our strong and stable leader) sees the British elite – and no doubt many from Brussels too – hold all-night parties full of ALCOHOL and canapés and more ALCOHOL.

Cambridge degrees must quite evidently be worthless, given that these after-dark blowouts should clearly be known as JUNE balls. Obviously this is proof that I am more intelligent that any Cantab and that it was DISGUSTING that they failed my 1987 entry examination.

Every second of these events is an outrage. The drinks flowed like trolleys in the River Cam, as future bankers, politicians, and national treasures sipped champagne from the cupped hands of the local peasantry. To make it worse, the students at the recent Trinity Ball had the gall to moan that their cocktails weren’t even sufficiently alcoholic.

“In an unbelievable slight against our great government, the lefty luvvies had Jeremy Corbyn headline EVERY SINGLE May Ball”

Trinity College has produced some 32 Nobel Prize winners, but after its May Ball Trinity students now also constitute 400% of the British prison population. (The rest of the percentage are illegal immigrants who will be deported to Australia once we’re free of Brussels oppression).

Revelry went on until six in the morning. Clearly any nocturnal activity is the work of Satan, so this is inherently EVIL.

A ticket to one of these balls will set you back £7 BILLION, however these rich youth-monsters will still attend a May Ball every single night. No doubt they are all tax dodgers.

Classic bit of Unity BlottMailOnline

In a move straight out of Sports Direct, May Balls have forced other students into servile slave labour conditions – working half the night in order to get the other for free. This is simultaneously a disgusting ABUSE of human rights, but also capitalism taking its just and natural course. There are always Freshers dumb enough to sign up for it. Long live Thatcherite economics.

Some of the balls this year were opulent enough to be ‘White Tie’ balls, which is where only good old fashioned ethnically British tie-wearing men can attend. BRING BACK THE EMPIRE.

“Do these women not know that a woman must always be elevated by at least three inches when in public? Disgraceful”

Usually the May Balls are renowned for attracting stars to headline the lavish parties, but this year had a sinister twist. (No, not that act who blacked up – we all used to do that during the jolly good old days of the Empire.) In an unbelievable slight against our great government, the lefty luvvies had Jeremy Corbyn headline EVERY SINGLE May Ball. Some support acts were also there, but let’s be honest we’ve never heard of any of them.

In a shock turn of events, there have been no fireworks at the May Balls this year. Instead, the bomb squad have been called in to carry out a series of controlled detonations of library book collections. Trinity and Johns each blew up a wing of the University Library in aid of impressing their ball guests.


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As they staggered home like the spawns of villainy they are, some of the girls even took their heels off for the walk home. Do these women not know that a woman must always be elevated by at least three inches when in public? Disgraceful.

A few of these utter scoundrels even removed their clothes and went swimming in the river Cam. You will find these pictures featured prominently in my article. Obviously lurking around until half past six in the morning so that I could take photos of half-naked women was wildly against my good British sensibilities, but I did it in the name of good journalism. Not perversion – just good old British journalism