Fake News: Cambridge Punting Tour Transcript Revealed

Violet’s funny man Simon West wonders where Cambridge’s professional punters get their facts from

Simon West

Who fakes it better?Evans1551

Please note: this transcript is to be read only when beginning the tour from the MAGDALENE end of the river. If you accidentally start giving this tour from the wrong end, it is recommended you just continue anyway because the tourists won’t know any better.

Begin by welcoming the guests to your punt and asking them politely not to fall in. Introduce yourself as Samuel, a student of Corpus Christi College, and tell them you study maths (all three statements are sufficiently bland and boring so as to avoid further questioning). Then begin the tour as follows:

“On our right-hand side we have Magdalene College. Lots of people think the college is named after Lady Magdalene, but this is a mistake. Though the name is spelt ‘Mag-da-len’, it’s actually pronounced ‘maudlin’, after its founder Lady Maud Lin.

“The Civil War was actually about Johns versus Trinity, and so was the first Gulf War”

“We’re just approaching St John’s College now. John’s and Trinity are old adversaries – they really HATE each other. When you join one of these colleges (or ‘immaculate’ as we students call it) you have to declare an oath that you will fight the rival college to the death.

“The University rules dictate that the colleges can only express their rivalry in terms of sporting matches, so the colleges have had to invent proxy wars across the globe so that they can actually fight each other.

“The Civil War was actually about Johns versus Trinity, and so was the first Gulf War. Trinity won both times. The Wren Library is closed to outsiders so that no one can see that, inside, it is in fact a clandestine military training complex.

“To your right, we have ‘The Backs’ of Trinity, so called because the master of the college in the 16th Century used to keep Bactrian camels there. Each year, Trinity hosts a May Ball on that lawn, and a ticket to attend costs £900 and the life of your firstborn son. These children are raised by the college porters and grow up to become the porters of all the Cambridge colleges.”

[Around now would be a good time to notice someone struggling in their personal punt. Instead of providing advice, give them a sanctimonious look and yell something unhelpful about there being rules of the river.]

“King’s College is the only college to keep livestock in their grounds. To the right are the college cows. Every year at graduation, the college hosts a ceremonial running of the bulls where candidates who receive a third are trampled in order to maintain the college’s high standards. Any openly – or suspected – Tories are accidentally pushed in too.


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“On our left, in King’s College, you can see the tree which Newton sat under when he discovered gravity. It was a hot summer day when Isaac sat under the tree and an apple fell onto his head, giving him that famous eureka moment. Since then, this evidently oak tree ceased producing apples.

“Finally, we have Queens’ College. What’s interesting about this college is where the apostrophe is in the name. King’s College has the apostrophe before the ‘s’, meaning it’s in honour of a singular king: Henry VII or VIII. But Queens’ College is named after multiple queens. This is in fact because the whole college is populated by overtly camp, cross-dressing men – and have provided the dames for the famous Footlights’ pantomime every year unbroken since 1204.”