Modern living is a minefield of big questions. Do I get my edamame beans with or without chilli salt at Wagamama? Am I ‘friendly’ enough with this person to wish them a Happy Birthday on Facebook? If I buy a t-shirt with a Joy Division album cover on it, what is the likelihood of someone asking me if I’m actually into Joy Division?

I am, of course, being facetious. These things matter about as much as a good set of flying goggles matter to an Emu.

However one issue I’m genuinely intrigued by is the etiquette of the selfie.

Self-portraits have been a thing since the earliest times (like, ages ago. And I reckon amoeba were self-obsessed and all.) The Internet tells me that the first photographic self-portrait was made by a bloke called Robert Cornelius in 1839. He was a handsome chap, though seemingly not predisposed to smiling. And now, what with smart phones and everything, selfies are increasingly inescapable.

I am a selfie-agoniser. Before sharing a selfie I will spend hours (if not days) contemplating whether or not I should, whether I’m just feeling a bit shit and want validation, whether anybody actually cares (and does this matter? It’s my Facebook account…), whether the selfie is any good in the first place, why I didn’t delete Instagram ages ago and… write a novel or something. As we’re taking and sharing more pictures of ourselves, the list of unspoken rules governing selfie-etiquette seems to grow...

MORE ACCEPTABLE:

• You’re not by yourself in the selfie. (Double points for pets)
• It’s your birthday
• You’ve had a haircut
• You’re on holiday.

LESS ACCEPTABLE:

• You’re doing a moody ‘model’ face
• You’ve already posted one that day
• You’re using a Snapchat filter
• Your caption isn’t self-deprecating.

It goes on. I asked a group of mates how they felt about the whole conundrum, and it was pretty tricky to find a consensus. On the one hand, selfies could be empowering, a way to have control over and celebrate your own image. On the other, they were symptomatic of a mindset that can only find external validation, a mindset that will just as easily delete the selfie if it didn’t get ‘enough’ likes.

“Social media is inherently self-centred, it’s about constructing an image of yourself”

A lot seemed to lie in the type of selfie as well, one friend said she felt more comfortable posting silly selfies than serious ones, because then there was no risk of looking accidentally bad. I found myself thinking along similar lines – I feel a lot less self-conscious posting a selfie where I’m doing a big cheesy grin than one where I look like I’m trying to channel a budget Annie Lennox, queer and unamused.

The extent to which you look like you think you look good is another standard we seem to judge selfies by. Social media is inherently self-centred, it’s about constructing an image of yourself, but we seem to demand that the image you’re constructing is completely oblivious to this, as though the ‘humble’ selfie is the most acceptable.

Selfie-taking is troubled by a gendered element too. Most of the frequent selfie-takers I know are women. And the friends I asked, being English students, directed me towards some bits by John Berger: “Men look at women. Women watch themselves.” Is the selfie just another way of making women into a ‘sight’? Why do selfies have to be shared? If you like it, why not just be satisfied with having it on your phone to yourself?

I don’t have answers to these questions. I definitely can’t do them justice in 700 words. And I know I’m as guilty of the toxic validation and self-conscious selfie mindset as anyone else. For now, I think I’d prefer to keep it simple.

It is okay to take pictures of yourself, especially if it makes you feel empowered and positive about the way you look. I think we should just try and be a bit more conscious of finding other sources of validation. Post the selfie, but remember online selfie you, though they might look fit in Valencia or, occasionally, as a curve ball, Slumber, is just a snapshot of the version that goes around generally being a badass, Monday through to Sunday