People always tell you to ‘write what you know,’ and, whilst I don’t 100% agree with that statement, I’ve been doing a lot of it on this column. ‘What I know’ is being a 19-year-old female homosexual, and I am beginning to worry that I might be alienating some potential readers.

By ‘some potential readers’, I mean blokes.

My column is a safe space for all. Everyone is welcome here, but I haven’t got much experience of being a man (besides the numerous times I’ve been mistaken for a man in public… on buses… in M&S… by my parents), so I’ve shied away from writing about it. But I ask you, reader, if we let fear stop us from doing things, where would we be?

Don’t answer that.

The point is, I’ve done a lot of perusing of the Men’s Health website, and I now feel qualified to write my own bit of ‘men’s lifestyle’ content. That’s right boys, this one’s for you.

“The number of topless blokes I was met with venturing onto Men’s Health momentarily made me think I’d stumbled onto Grindr by mistake”

The first major concern I apparently need to address is muscle. The number of topless blokes I was met with venturing onto Men’s Health momentarily made me think I’d stumbled onto Grindr by mistake.

Now, obviously, it’s good to be healthy. But from the looks of things, the goal is to resemble a very shiny cured ham stuffed into some fishnet tights. It looks like a lot of effort. My advice for mankind is to get one of those aprons that has the picture of the six pack on the front so you can get the same effect without the implications buying protein shakes has for your wallet and your bowels. I guess it would also be nice if society stopped perpetuating hyper-masculine ideals that don’t really help anyone, but I think Grayson Perry’s on that, so I’ll leave it to him.

Moving on.

Apparently, another major aspect of the day to day life of the male is telling the time. I shit you not, the Men’s Health website has a whole section entitled ‘WATCHES’. I didn’t realise that temporality was of such massive importance to men. There is legitimately an interview with Reggie Yates featuring a breakdown of the watches he is wearing, one of which costs £63,000. If I had £63,000, I wouldn’t be buying a watch. I’m given to understand that men like Yorkie Bars. You could buy 105,000 Yorkie Bars for £63,000. Someone should tell Men’s Health that – they could channel their finances in more fruitful directions.

Personally, my favourite article on Men’s Health was entitled ‘What Type of Facial Hair Do Women Love the Most?’ The results are in, and apparently ‘light stubble’ is most likely to stir a response from a female, whereas clean shaven is simply a no-go.

However, gents, I’d be sceptical of this, as Men’s Health have stretched (or rather, reduced) ‘women’ to mean ‘around 60 girls we asked in the North East’. Now, I’m sure that the women interviewed have perfectly credible opinions on the attractiveness of male facial hair, but they can’t exactly be said to represent all of us. I, for example, am rather partial to a pencil moustache à la Rudolph Valentino, but I suspect I’m not really the target audience here, and the article wasn’t entitled ‘what kind of facial hair do short lesbians from the Wirral peninsula love the most?’

Bread and Rutter: The UL Tearoom

A handy link from this article took me to another entitled ‘the muscles that women love most’. In which another arbitrary selection of ‘women’ claimed that chests are the best bits of blokes. I do like a man to have a chest. It would be awkward if he didn’t. I’d have to spend the entire time avoiding the uncomfortable ‘why don’t you have a chest?’ conversation. Top Tip from Violet's new men’s lifestyle blogger Kate Collins: always make sure you’ve got your chest on you.

I think we’ve all seen enough. Men: life’s too short to worry about this stuff. Grab a Yorkie bar, and just try to enjoy being yourselves