Fake News: Trump’s Tremendous Trip

Violet’s Simon West takes an satirical undercover look at Trump’s state visits

Simon West

Trump's state visit was subject to media frenzy WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

After Trump blatantly fired FBI chief James Comey because he was going to discover his dirty Russian secret, White House officials decided it was time to get the President out of the country and away from the media. Violet can exclusively report on Donald Trump’s ‘tremendous’ first foreign trip.

Presidential aides organised for Mr Trump’s visit to begin in Saudi Arabia, where media restrictions were so tightened in order to prevent the esteemed leader looking like a clown.

Unfortunately, like most American forays into the Middle East, this was naïve. The President was greeted by the Saudi Prince and then took part in a ceremonial sword dance, where he accidentally slayed two hundred diplomats and Saudi natives.

State-sanctioned slaughter was nothing new to the Saudi regime, however, and they soon invited Donald Trump to join their cult of villainy by embracing their magic glowing orb. The President held the orb, and when asked by a mysterious disembodied voice what superpower he would desire to have, replied that he would to be able to see through women’s clothing. His daughter hastily left the room.

The trip then continued to nearby Israel where the POTUS security team advised the President heavily against any further embarrassing international incidents. Alas, The Donald was not listening. Whilst visiting Bethlehem, he lay in a manger, proclaimed himself the body incarnate of the Lord and then requested that wise men bring him gold, frankincense... and more gold. The Israelis, took this in good humour and were willing to let the matter slide, but changed their minds when the President tried to steal the Palestinian Wall to put along the border with Mexico. He was quickly ushered out of Israel.

 "The President held the orb, and when asked by a mysterious disembodied voice what superpower he would desire to have, replied that he would to be able to see through women’s clothing. His daughter hastily left the room"

The presidential security team had little choice in which direction they fled with the President, and accidentally travelled North into Syria. Having never seen pictures of a disaster zone before, Donald Trump had no way of comprehending what he saw upon entering Syria (he had never watched any TV reports of it because he’s scared of disasters, much like stairs).

As such, he confused the endless mounds of rubble for a dystopian golf course. The POTUS security team warned him against teeing-off, and very soon his bleach blonde toupee had drawn enemy attention. Masked soldiers rushed the President, bundled him into the back of a truck and rapidly sped off. Despite this interruption, Mr Trump still claimed to have finished all nine holes “the most under par anyone has ever seen”.

 In the back of the truck the President begged for his life, reminding his captors that he “makes the best deals”, that he was a “tremendous captive”, and that he was best-friends with the almighty Vladimir Putin who definitely had his back. Moments later the bag was taken from Mr Trump’s head and a smiling Pope Francis appeared and reminded him that was scared of no living man because he had the Lord on his side. Although, he did add that if Vladimir would like to pay some ransom that would be excellent because the Vatican needed its kitchen redone.

Pope Francis walked The Donald through the Vatican and reminded him of the beauty which God had created, and that it was part of his duty to protect the Lord’s creation. Mr Trump politely reminded the old man that climate change was a Chinese myth, but Francis was having none of it. He forced the President to kneel and watch the DVD of Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth twelve times on repeat. With the subtitles on.

Half way through the eleventh repeat, Donald finally had the epiphany which Francis had been hoping for. The President stood up, announced that he had seen the truth, and would now stop at nothing to save the environment because if everyone perished from global climate ice cap warmingness there would be no one to remember him when he died.

The President boarded the first flight back to America, but was stopped at immigration at Dulles International Airport to be told that he couldn’t come in because the travel ban had been reinstated and he had visited some questionable places. The President replied to the border guard (who was probably Mexican anyway) that he was the President, but the probable-Mexican told him that he wasn’t.

In the time Trump had been out of the country he had been impeached and Mike Pence had taken over. More suspected Mexicans arrived and dragged Donald away to a holding cell. He had finally seen the light, but how could he save the precious environment now?