“What do you mean, you don’t have a meme page?” I replied when my friend told me her university lacks their own repertoire of memes, hand-crafted by the sharpest of students about their own institution.

Memebridge, Crushbridge, Grudgebridge, Kindbridge, Duckbridge, Bridgebridge (still not sure why that one exists…), the list of Facebook pages available to guide Cambridge students through the many, many hours of online procrastination is endless.

Naturally, anything one half of Oxbridge does, our lesser sibling tries to do better. But which collegiate university makes the crunchiest memes? I’ve done the graft, so you don’t have to. 

Memebridge v Oxmeme & The Memeing Spires of Oxford

Oxford has not just one, but two meme pages. There doesn’t seem to be a specific reason for this, especially when they both churn out very similar content, unless the admins really don’t get on. ‘The Memeing Spires of Oxford’ is an incredible name though, 10/10 for originality.

Lamentably though, there is no OUSU equivalent of meme-lord Amatey Doku, and there’s certainly no Ed Sheeran song with the lyrics altered to pay tribute to such an individual. Indeed, neither Oxonian page has much to offered in the way of videos at all: they definitely don’t have their own version of ‘Wenlock & Jones’.

The absence of iDiscover-equivalent memes can only equate to the absence of what was once so eloquently described as “a shitty book google” at the Other Place, which must be great for finding books, but not so great for potential meme material.

Rest assured, there is common ground between the two institutions for hating on rowers, mocking college stereotypes and joking about brutal supervisions, imminent examination failures and missing essays. But while Memebridge hates on the Cambridge Union, so does Oxmeme, which seems a little unfair given their version is actually even more expensive.

Extra kudos to Memebridge for having a conscience too. They told everyone to make sure they actually do get enough sleep (albeit in the caption of a meme about sleep deprivation), and instigated the early establishment of the CUSU offer holders page to prevent those pesky reps from forcing Bar Crawl tickets on unsuspecting Freshers.

Winner: Memebridge. Versatile, high quality and ethical. What more could you want from a meme page?

Crushbridge v Oxlove

Vulgarities are not generally allowed on Crushbridge, and although a vet from Emmanuel received the line ‘I like your grey sweater / But I’d make you wetter / So please will you bang me say yes’, this is nowhere near the same level as what ‘Harry’, a Merton Classist, received on Oxlove: ‘We went back to your place, oh my it was lit, when I munched on your cock and you sucked on my tit’. This line has some killer rhyme, but is also enough to make Shakespeare turn in his grave. You wouldn’t see Crushbridge posting anything like that.

Submissions to both pages target the object of their desires with their college and year of study, but the use of capitalised letters throughout the declarations of love on Crushbridge is a subtle, tasteful way of maximising chances of recognition, as is dedicating the piece to the heart-throb with their initials at the start.

Oxlove has a lot of extended poems, which although they don’t quite rival Paradise Lost, definitely does show a lot of consideration has gone into these heartfelt confessions.

What Crushbridge lacks in poetical finesse, it makes up for in thanking the doers of good deeds. A personal favourite is the lovely person who simply gave a chocolate bar to someone who was crying on the phone. Good deeds should be done for altruistic purposes, but it’s good to know they are received gratefully.

Winner: Very nearly a draw, but the niceness of Crushbridge swipes another victory for the Cantabs.

Grudgebridge v Oxfeud

Isn’t it so British to have a good old moan, but to make sure your grievances are aired anonymously so as to avoid any actual conflict.

The main difference between these two is the frequency of posts. Around six Grudgebridges are posted a day, but over at Oxford, they’re posted every half an hour. Either this is the sign of very dedicated page admins, or those kids really do hate each other. Not to mention their subject. And the people on Southfield Road who had a whale of a time on Thursday with their house party, which also happened to be mid-exam season for some poor soul. And the people who wear flip-flops when it’s raining. And so on. 

Other than that, the two are pretty much the same. The Cantabrigians moan about soggy duck pancakes and Brie and Cranberry sandwiches which turn out to be Brie and Pickle, while one particular Oxonian has a bone to pick with Facebook recipe videos (read: first world problems). There’s classic examples of subject superiority, with the architecture students having it harder than NatScis, and the PPE students not even studying for a real degree. Neither page likes pretentious folk, tourists, or certain colleges, as is to be predicted.

Winner: Grudgebridge. Not that I’m being biased, but Oxfeud need to learn to spread the love a bit more.

And thus, this in-depth, highly scientific, and entirely unbiased investigation concludes with a hat trick of victories for the Light Blues. That’s not to say Oxford made a bad effort, rather that Cambridge just have more morals. Yay for us!