No, seriously. Andy Carroll is worth £35m… to Newcastle. Or they wouldn’t have sold him for it. Simple, right?

The trickier half of the argument is justifying his worth to Liverpool Football Club. On the face of it, they spent an uncommonly large sum for a player who just isn’t worth it. More than Manchester United spent to take Rio Ferdinand to Old Trafford; more than Barcelona spent to have David Villa on their side; more even than the bottomless Batcave full of money built under the Eastlands stadium casually laid out for Robinho (a player more overrated than even Andy Carroll, perhaps).  He’s got 11 Premier League goals in a total of 19 appearances, a good strike rate but a hopelessly small sample size. Anything can happen with Carroll’s career from this point. He could explode in a supernova of goals, or fizzle out to be a useless red dwarf, heavy elements replaced by crises of confidence and existential angst. He’s an unproven player: that’s the point.

Liverpool just laid out £35m for a man who is at best nothing more than a talented nobody. How is that justifiable? On the face of it, it’s not, but Liverpool didn’t pay £35m for him; to my mind, and the buzzing hivemind of Fenway Sports Group, they got him for free. Carroll, plus more or less everything but the hair off the nutsack of Luis Suarez cost them absolutely nothing. Or £50 million. Except they already had £50 million. Alright, so they had to trade Fernando Torres for those assets, but who cares? He’s been crap this year. Even if he does pick up the thread of his career like a frustrated kitty and bat himself straight into greatness at Chelsea, it doesn’t matter to Liverpool. They’ve done really well out of the deal.

Cast your eyes across the pond, to the National Basketball Association. Transfer fees are prohibited, and wage bills capped, so teams have to be smart when they make “trades”. If a team needs to get their wage bill under the cap, they can swap a high-wage veteran for a cheap talented rookie; if your team lacks size, or numbers, trade for a giant, or one guy for two, or etc. And because there aren’t transfer fees per se, the process is as simple as transferring contracts across and making sure there’s a suitable mansion for sale in your town. That’s what Liverpool have done: they have traded a Torres for two men who bring more to the team as a whole than Torres (even at his best) possibly could have. What gets you more drunk? One glass of sangria, or a dirty pint made of Newcastle Brown and Uruguayan rum?

Liverpool had cirrhosis and were in systemic failure. That’s why they’ve gone for the Liver Transplant.