Louis Ashworth/Varsity

I’m a fresher that’s shagged both of my college parents and now neither of them are speaking to me or each other. Help!

Okay, legend. Didn’t realise you were the one driving up the stats in the Varsity top shagger survey (because it’s evidently grossly above average… right? Right!?). And yet, to pardon my phrasing, just look at what it’s come to. Freud would have a fucking field day with this one. You didn’t specify whether or not this abomination occurred on two separate occasions, or whether you were offered a special kind of 2-for-1 freshers combo, but I’m going to assume that unless the sex was disastrous (no offence) then this incestuous hotbed was born from a series of separate bad decisions, which — if nobody has actually done this already — have come back to bite you in the arse. To be fair, it’s more on them — who knew that this year’s Michaelmas shark week would in fact be smack bang in the middle of term? Still, all this doesn’t exactly help you out of these infested waters. I’d advise family therapy, but what with the NHS already being one foot in the grave I hardly think your sexual deviance will boot this crumbling college dynasty up to the top of the waiting list anytime soon. You may just have to leave these two divorcees in the dust and sew your wild oats elsewhere. Ever heard of Hinge? I’m sure you’ll be able to meet the esoteric Sidgwick-dwelling manipulator of your dreams quicker than you could have ever destroyed your parents’ marriage. You’ll probably be equally miserable, but at least your poor, poor college sibling might be able to catch a break.

Should I put my JCR role on my LinkedIn page?

I’m somewhat hesitant to truthfully answer this question. On the one hand, I sheepishly admit that I myself am the owner of a LinkedIn profile (please, for the love of God, add me on there — my awkward network-phobic arse needs a job after graduation and there seems to be no opening for ‘pretentious humanities wanker’ or ‘semi mean-spirited agony aunt’ anywhere that would pay me enough to afford solid food), but I find I like to play it cool and watch my fellow students’ incessant posting from the sidelines — think of me as just a lowly passenger on others’ solitary drudge into the rat race. However, on the other hand, what exactly is having your fleeting JCR role smack bang on the front of your LinkedIn going to achieve? Are the omnipotent corporate overlords that trawl its homepage, poaching the unwitting souls of Cambridge’s undergraduate body and selling them for scraps of fossil fuel profits, really going to bestow upon you the kind of gold-plated internship that half the university seems to be salivating over for something that was done, heaven forbid, not for profit nor publicity, but for the community? Props to you for putting in the effort, there’s no way in hell this sleepyhead could ever be bothered to dig deep and find the (presumed) motivation hidden deep inside of her to be a catalyst for something other than a moratorium on stealing cakes from welfare tea. I, for one, respect your commitment — I’m just not sure how much JP Morgan or HSBC will. Saying that, when I do inevitably launch my bid for college overlord, I expect you’ll all be rushing to the polls to ensure I’m Catz’s first ever president for life.