Ugh, I miss X Factor. Few things make me more nostalgic than re-watching Wagner play the bongos to a She Bangs/Love Shack medley *chef’s kiss* or Abby and Lisa — the artists formerly known as Ablisa — dramatically turning on each other in front of a packed O2 via an elbow uppercut. Really takes me back. Oh, and Tulisa. Icon. Forget Camfirmations, when feeling the unbearable strain of my 5 contact hours I just look to X Factor for that extra bit of motivation: Bad mark on an essay? I’m not a number, I’m a human being. Letting off steam at the club? It’s Lorna the Britney impersonator, b*tch. Pulling a sickie? I’m Cher Lloyd at Judges’ Houses. There is arguably much to learn from X Factor circa 2011. It is at this point, however, that I feel it necessary to preface this article with my iron-clad refusal to apologise for any potentially obscure references of early to late 2000s British pop culture that really everyone and their mum should know.

“There is arguably much to learn from X Factor circa 2011”

A particular favourite moment of mine has to be Scary Rachel’s audition. You know the one: tall, dark eye shadow, blonde highlights, thinks she’s better than Madonna. That Rachel. Sing along if you know the words: ‘Nothing I’m lazy at the moment… yeah all my life, all around the towns and everything’. I am obsessed. So much so I referenced her in the hustings of my unsuccessful campaign for JCR secretary. The minutes observe, ‘the audience appreciate this throwback to 2007, although are displeased the candidate did not follow through with the suggestion’. The suggestion being that I do my whole speech in her style, of course. The minutes then note, ‘perhaps we should admire the candidate’s decision not to emulate Rachel’. Rude. I actually think Rachel’s enigmatic, singular attitude is ideal for the demands of a Cambridge undergraduate degree. Not only is she already serving us that dark academia girl boss realness, we have to equally ask ourselves would she look out of place at 2am in the college library? Pop a college puffer on her, and voila, an Engling is born: Shakespeare she can do, Dickens she can do, she could probably do Dannii as well… I mean Austen. Although the works of Dannii Minogue are arguably interchangeable with those of Jane Austen. Emma? I don’t even know her.

“It is interesting to see how for many of us X Factor was a significant part of our cultural upbringing”

With all sincerity, it is interesting how for many of us X Factor was such a significant part of our cultural upbringing. It is easy to forget what a phenomenon it was. I can vividly remember curling up on the couch every Saturday for an evening of X Factor, only after watching Harry Hill’s TV Burp of course. ‘What about Strictly?’ I hear you ask. Wasn’t for me. Well, it wasn’t for anyone back then if we’re being honest. Did Alexandra Burke sing ‘Listen’ with Beyoncé on Strictly? I didn’t think so.

However, as much as I do love my British pop culture moments — and trust me, I do — I can’t help but ask myself whether my nostalgia for this seemingly innocent singing TV show made me overlook its obvious moral questionability? Having googled ‘Scary Rachel Now’, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of sadness. Exploited by producers and editors of the show, she now inhabits a caricature of herself she cannot escape: lazy, rude, and obnoxious. And while it was excellent television for that time, it shouldn’t be made today. And it probably wouldn’t, as much as it pains me. So, I’ll end on this: X Factor, thank you for your time but I’m afraid it’s a no from me.