Content Note: This article contains detailed discussion of eating disorders, mental health and body image.

To all the girls I hated in school...

You’re incredible. I was so jealous of how much better you pretended to cope with being in an all-girls’ grammar school – how you could perfect the smile, the make up and the outfit for it. I was so in awe that you and I became the target for my pain. 

The all-girls system created such a competitively driven spirit that I lost my confidence, I disconnected from myself and others, I hid an eating disorder, I hated everything, and eventually, I left. Now that I have healed and reconnected, I understand, I emphasise, I apologize, and I love.

I write this to send love to the girls that were trying so hard to be liked, to eat less, to speak to all the boys, just to be ‘cool’. I hated you because I was trying so hard as well, but only one of us could be better. I’m sorry I judged you so harshly – we were all struggling.

I send love to the girls who got drunk, hooked up with people they didn’t like, and did things they didn’t really want to do; the girls who hid any part of their actual desires and sexuality; the girls who couldn’t say no, or who didn’t know how to. It’s always ok to say no, create boundaries and safe spaces – we will not judge you for whatever choices you make with your body.

I send so much love to those who judged and hated me too. If only we spoke and realised we didn’t need salad diets to impress each other and realised how our suffering was shared. I’m so sorry that we had to compare ourselves and be competitive about everything. It is devastating that we wanted connection, but ultimately that we drove each other so far away with our cliques and hurtful gossiping. I love you and wish we could have been friends instead of enemies.

I’m sorry to those I judged or de-ranked as ‘less pretty’ or ‘less cool.’ This wasn’t true. I couldn’t know my worth unless I compared it to being better than others. You guys were – and still are – amazing: for your strong sense of identity, warming honesty and passion for whatever you loved. 

I was jealous of your authenticity and connection. I thought ignoring you or being ‘too cool’ to be your friend would make me feel better. It didn’t. I love you for all your strength.

I am grateful to the girls who didn’t hate me even when I hated myself; the girls who made coming to school worth it. They spoke to me about my diet-induced, infrequent periods, making everything feel less scary. I send love to the girls who have continued to support me and show me the incredible power and positivity of friendships.

I send so much love to myself, a girl who hated her body and her mind. A girl who created a regime so strict and hid from all her feelings just so she could feel worthy. I send love to the girl who made me punish myself for eating pizza by doing four minute planks. I send love to the girl who didn’t believe she could do anything except make herself smaller. I send love to the girl who traded her love of dance and performance for constant injury and muscle ache just so she could measure her worth in numbers.

I send love to all of the women still suffering from the expectations and self-hatred that they impose on themselves and each other. I send love to speaking out and apologising. I am so sorry for treating you so badly. I am sorry for treating myself badly. 

I take accountability to care for myself, to be soft in the pain, and to realise what love is. If you feel the same, let me know. If you don’t, I send you love too. 

What I’ve learnt from being at Cambridge is that feminism is not about getting women to the top, getting them to compete, or to work harder than ever. It’s about giving people of all genders the space to find their passions, to support each other in whatever that is and at whatever level, with empathy.