Netflix: in theory, the home of TV and film fanatics the world over; in reality, occupied by procrastination-loving squatters. It's an all too familiar struggle. My head knows that I should be swotting up on mediaeval German poetry but my heart lies with The US Office or Homeland or, in life’s darker moments, anything starring Hilary Duff or Lindsay Lohan. This has proved particularly problematic in exam term. How many times have I sat down, with every intention of practising the French imperfect subjunctive, only to find myself, two hours later, well on my way to a full-blown Netflix binge and my grammar none the better? Too many times to count.

Part of me thinks, hey, if Obama’s into it, that seems like a pretty clear green flag to me but my more rational side wonders what consequences the Netflix Effect – touching as many lives as it does – may have in the future. Allow me to paint you a picture…

It's 2034. Netflix has been streaming for 27 years and life is pretty sweet. Not only are we all loaded as TV licenses are now redundant but our lives are also so much more flexible than we ever could have imagined. Gone are the days when we were slaves to the TV guide – or even to our TVs. Want to watch the original Freaky Friday in the bath on your laptop? No problem! (Although there are obvious safety concerns to bear in mind there…) Feel like watching an episode of The Royle Family atop a camel in the middle of the Sahara on your iPad? Go for it! (Network coverage is insane by 2034.) The possibilities are literally endless. Hell, we could be watching season 22 of House of Cards on holographic virtual screens on the moon, for all we know.

We’re also experiencing intergenerational harmony like never before. Seriously, the world is so Up right now. Thanks to Netflix, children are watching shows their grandparents were obsessed with fifty years ago and adults are co-bingeing on the latest craze with their kids. In fact, so astounding has the Netflix Effect turned out to be in this respect that teenage yobs are no longer scrubbing graffiti in multi-storeys. That's so twenty years ago. Nope, these days the judge simply prescribes 20 hours of Fawlty Towers. It works a charm.

And Netflix has even worked political wonders too: Anglo-American relations have never been better. The raging British envy that the guys across the pond get New Girl months before Channel 4 does is a thing of the past – we’re in the golden age of synchronised release now and it’s the shiz. Internet piracy has entered into legend and trick-or-treating kids have ditched the eyepatch and parrot in favour of a laptop and Star Wars poster.

2034 looks pretty great, huh? Oh Netflix, how could we ever tire of you? Hmm. Allow me to paint you another picture…

It's now 2044 and things have taken a bit of a turn. Violence is at an all-time high, with everyone at wildly varying stages of watching the same shows. (Some people still haven't seen the Breaking Bad series finale.) These days, let slip a spoiler at your peril: prisons are filled with inmates who just couldn’t handle having the latest American Horror Story plot twist ruined for them, while ICUs are filled with patients who had the self-control of a toddler dosed up on blue Smarties.

As for the economy, it's in a truly sorry state as the epidemic of the Netflix Hangover (the nauseating result of binge-watching into the early hours) has slashed the working day. Indeed, the tubes are now ghost trains between eight and nine as half eleven is the new rush hour. (Please, no-one talk too loudly the day after the latest season of Arrested Development lands.)

In fact, the entire country is in an alarming state of anarchy. While the Netflix binge was once reserved for weekends and bank holidays, it's now a total free-for-all. No-one’s seen an MP in months because none of them can bear to drag themselves away from Sons of Anarchy. We think the prime minister declared a State of Emergency a while back (in the ten seconds between episodes) but nobody’s really sure. Meanwhile, Bruce Forsyth (now running on energy generated by the dancing feet of hundreds of children who have to earn money for their impoverished families somehow) seems to think he's in charge.

It's all rather worrying, isn't it? We've seen our future and it ain't pretty. So, I end with a plea: let us all take a moment to consider the potentially catastrophic conseq–

Ooh, look! The new season of Orange is the New Black is up!