Georgie-lookin’ chains
Why Osborne’s taste in rap music is killing the economy
The British economy is still failing because George Osborne doesn’t listen to good rap music.
Now, I know that’s hard to swallow, and seems like a bit of a far-fetched theory. But seriously, believe me, he just doesn’t listen to decent rap. Sure, looking at him and his fiscal swagger, you’d think he was crunking out to Dr DRE most nights whilst writing the Pre-Budget Report, or maybe, nostalgic for the simpler days of the past, hangin’ out to the easy beats of Grandmaster Flash whilst cobbling together the unemployment figures. And he probably is. But this week, the nation’s major economic G(eorge) tripped out the truth about his listening habits.
“There’s no Plan B”, the chancellor told journalists. Oh really? Is it? Iz it? Do you want to say that to his face? Because Plan B would beg to differ. As Forest Gate’s most famous son, prominent singer-songwriter, actor and film director Plan B certainly exists. In fact, he’s just the sort of rapper Da Chancellor should be listening to. Speaking about his early life, Plan B told the Telegraph in 2006: "we weren't working class but we weren't middle class, we were in the void in-between”. Isn’t that precisely the “squeezed Britain” George is always on about? Perhaps even more relevantly, Plan B’s latest studio album is called The Defamation of Strickland Banks. I haven’t heard it myself, but the last word of the title sure sounds suspiciously economic.
So with his status as an economic authority duly established, what else might Plan B bring to our understanding of the British economy and politics? Well, with song titles such as "No More Eatin'”, “Darkest Place” and “Writing’s On the Wall”, it appears the nation’s immediate fiscal future is quite bleak. "Traded in My Cigarettes" seems to have accurately predicted the Emergency Budget’s duty rises on tobacco, and "The Recluse” uncannily foresaw the demise in popularity of Nick Clegg. We have certainly reached “Hard Times” - indeed, perhaps DJ George has heard that particular Plan B song, since he has quoted its title many times in his speeches. But he would be well advised to avoid adducing track five on the rapper’s latest album: “Welcome to Hell”.
But don’t worry. Even if the chancellor - the main man - isn’t listening to Plan B very often, there’s one economic bad boy hanging around central government who is more than familiar with the rapper’s work. And that bad boy is Mervyn King. For Mervyn seems to have taken his personal motto from the title of Plan B’s first album: ‘Who needs actions when you got words’. If you don’t get all hung up over the grammar, you’ll follow the connection here: Mervyn is not only a King thanks to his surname. He is also the King of metaphor, the King of words. Just this week he described the recovery as "choppy", saying that the UK will continue to face "headwinds".
As well as having a knack for reassuring everyone by making the economy sound like the Titanic, the latest minutes of Mervyn’s Monetary Policy Committee show another masterpiece of language: “ the balance of risks to medium-term inflation relative to the target had moved upwards over the past month, reflecting the recent and prospective buoyancy of import prices and the possible impact of higher-term inflation on near-term inflation expectations.” Who needs actions when you got words.
It’s possible, of course, that the chancellor actually wasn’t referring to Britain’s most economically perspicacious rapper when he said: “there’s no Plan B”. He was probably talking about sticking to his policies, which is a good thing, because he’s really got a lot more to be getting on with than listening to awful ‘music’. Still, just on the off chance that the chancellor really did reveal his rap favourites this week, take succour from the fact that Plan B’s most melodious song - using ‘melodious’ quite liberally - is called "Spend My Money". So at least there’s a consumer spending recovery around the corner.
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