My watch is set to be around 6 minutes fast. At least I think it’s about 6 minutes, I don’t want to be too sure. I am also unsure of how long ago I set my watch fast, having forgotten ever doing it. I am, however, sure it was my intention at the time to do so. As part of my tireless efforts to be more punctual, I often strategically set my clocks to faster times. It’s important that I don’t remember doing this, otherwise I’d take the extra time for granted, so I have to employ a large number of simultaneous distractions to help me forget. These include alcohol, sex and the shrill voice of my angry girlfriend ordering me to stop drunkenly fiddling with my watch while we’re having sex.

The upshot is that all my clocks are now set to different times. If I ever want to know the actual time, because I have no control clock to refer to, I have to work my way back through the original setting sequence as best I can. Hence, my computer clock I know is around 5 minutes earlier than my phone, which is around 20 minutes faster than my watch, which is in turn 6 minutes faster than the actual time (although as I’ve said, I don’t want to be too sure), meaning that if it reads 2:35pm now on my computer the actual time is... here my mathematical ability fails me and I have to ring the Speaking Clock. Last month’s phone bill registered 54 phone calls to the Speaking Clock, totalling a cost of £10.50.

Despite the extra toll on my student loan and my sanity, I can’t seem to break the cycle; I can’t set my clocks back to the actual time, because then I’d be late for everything. Admittedly, I’m nearly always late at the moment, but I uphold my belief in the power of deliberately inefficient time-keeping to solve my punctuality problems. In fact, I think my system could have wider applications. At a busy train station, for example, if you shaved a fraction off every second during the night this would produce a time surplus that could be distributed at key points throughout the day. Late running service? No problem, just bump five minutes onto the clock.

As Time Lord, I would use time for the general good. However, time power will inevitably be abused in the future. When the marketisation of the time industry makes time a commodity, the CEOs of soulless corporations will then be in charge and the proletariat will have to give up their time to suit the needs of their capitalist oppressors. The poor will be forced to go to bed at unreasonable hours. Families will live in fear of a knock at the door from the Time Police, come to ask the chilling question “Do you know what time it is?” Men and women who have misused their time, and have run out of time, will be hunted down and eradicated. Be warned, at any time, our time could be up.