The day has finally come. My exams are over. And I feel… tired? During exams I was so excited to finish exams and soak in the sunshine (with factor 50 of course) and dance around town and read books that I actually want to read and so on, but now that the time has actually come and I can do those things, my urge to do them has declined. This begs the eternal question (that anyone who knows me knows I ask too much): why?

“I also felt curiously empty upon leaving my room to the sweet (ish) taste of freedom”

When I finished my last exam earlier this week, I thought that as soon as I submitted it everything would be magnificent and that a world of fun and games would open up instantly. In this mythical world, exam stress would become a remnant of an archaic and mostly forgotten past. I — somewhat optimistically — imagined a (metaphorical) weight being lifted off my shoulders, taking all the anxiousness and doubt I’ve been feeling this term away with it. Of course, and it goes without saying, I had been dreading my last exam so much that to get it out of the way was definitely a relief. But I also felt curiously empty upon leaving my room to the sweet (ish) taste of freedom. Instead of jumping for joy, I honestly did not know what to do with myself. Please tell me I’m not the only one?

I think part of the explanation for this hollow state of affairs is that I was still in that post-exam daze whereby nothing is quite real and nothing exists like it normally does. On top of that, the concept of having finished a year’s worth of content was a daunting one. The idea of working, working, working and then stopping at 5:30 pm to the expectant world of summer, felt good and yet a little too sudden — and even unnatural. I had been getting through each day by focusing on one exam and then the next, so that I hardly spared a thought for what would come after the much-anticipated last exam. And so it came about that I finally had what I wanted — namely freedom from exams — and yet I did not feel the ecstasy I was expecting.

“The transition from exam to relaxed mindset is actually much easier said than done”

I suppose this has always been the case, and will continue to be so. In recent years I’ve found myself in countless conversations whereby friends have talked about the weird-exhausted-dream-like confused state that accompanies the end of an intense exam season. We all motivate ourselves to get through weeks packed of special-edition exam-shaped misery by reminding ourselves that it will all be over soon. What is easier to forget is that the transition from exam to relaxed mindset is actually much easier said than done. At the risk of sounding like the most annoying person on earth — especially to those who have not finished exams — I find it pretty hard to reach a state of zen and calm after exams. My brain is so highly wired and hyperactive that just sitting down and doing nothing is hard to achieve. I feel like I should be doing something and yet there is nothing pressing to do, while the days feel so long and endless.

This state of being able to relax is something which I have looked forward to all term, and it has certainly come with its benefits. Talking to friends and not checking the time until my next supervision or pre-planned revision session is something that I am very much enjoying. Wandering around town with no set time (whether self-assigned or prescribed) to return to my room, and bumping into friends I have not seen in a while is equally refreshing; so is falling asleep without worrying about exams. And yet, despite the fact that the world is, to all accounts and purposes, working all in my favour, it still feels like something is missing. The thing is that we have so much work all the time, which is admittedly what I signed up for (oops), that enjoying Cambridge for being Cambridge, and disentangling it from essays and deadlines is an oddly difficult phenomenon.

To conclude my reflections on post-exam life, then, it has not come as a fun and care-free filled package for me. I am sure this will change with time as I get used to my new and low-pressure existence, which is undoubtedly better than that of last week, but for the time being, I will continue to be a little bit lost and listless. Maybe, though, this period of uncertainty is necessary for what should be a wonderful and well-earned summer to come.