Violet investigates: Gonville and Caius College

Violet has sourced a number of insiders to find out what really goes on behind the scenes at Caius college, while John Caius himself makes a special entry at the end

Scarlet Rowe

"Now that’s the wisdom and immortalitie that old Caius is talking about"Credit to author

In order to produce this definitive guide to Gonville and Caius College, I ask a handful of insiders a series of questions about the college. The conversation proves to be a particularly serious and stimulating one; serpents, pigeons and communal bath times are discussed, and there is even an accusation of daylight robbery. Of course, due to the highly secret information shared in this article, the sources will remain anonymous.

What do you think of food and hall?

The traditional meaning of “MDR” is minimum dining requirement, but one particular source has a different take on it, telling me: “MDR stands for ‘Massive Donation, Really.’” They then go on to add — in no uncertain terms — that this is “daylight robbery at supposedly one of the finest educational institutions in the world.” If this doesn’t call for an investigative piece into the inner workings of the hallowed halls, then I don’t know what does.

“The food at Gonville and Caius College Cambridge is nothing short of heavenly and I thank God every day that I am able to eat it.”

Curiously, however, another source has a completely different opinion, cheerily informing me that “the food at Gonville and Caius College Cambridge is nothing short of heavenly and I thank God every day that I am able to eat it.” A third source —the peace keeper —adopts a more conciliatory approach: “the college does kind of rip you off with MDR, but so do most eating establishments.” They wisely conclude that they “like food too much to care.”

What do you think of the library?

One source remarks that “we have such a nice, big, well-stocked library. The only problem is the fact that it’s in town so if there’s a protest no one is able to work in peace.” To follow up on this, please can all protesters reading this stay away from Caius Library so that Source 1 can scroll through Facebook in peace? In an unexpected plot twist, Source 2 has a question for me — aka — the interviewer:“I have never been to the library. What is it?” I like this approach; why be interviewed when you can interview the interviewer?

What are your thoughts on Old Courts?

"The only problem is the fact that it’s in town so if there’s a protest no one is able to work in peace"https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Cambridge_-_Gonville_and_Caius_College_-_1048.jpg

Caius Old Courts is known (among its fans and followers college-wide) for its tree-lined court. This leads one source to brag: “but do you have a tree lined court?”. Another source takes issue with this smugness, however, and responds that “the trees look dead.” That’s heresy in a sentence. Unfortunately, when asked to respond, the first source declined to comment.

“It looks nicer on ITV than it does in person.”

In the meantime, a third source has something to say about the deceptive charms of Old Courts. They have “seen it on TV a few times,” and wants readers to know that “it looks nicer on ITV than it does in person.” The non-ITV filtered truth hurts sometimes I guess. Lastly, a fourth source informs me that they will be living in Old Courts next year and that they are “thrilled to discover” that they are “sharing a bath with six others.” They are “looking forward to inevitable communal bath times.”

What do you think of accommodation?

Only two sources have something to say on this one. I will interpret the silence as pure satisfaction with the five star nature of undergrad accommodation. The two sources that do have something to say, however, focus on the important matter of pigeons. The first is disgruntled because their windows have been “defiled by pigeons, but college is yet to do a single thing about it.” The second source, ever the antagonist, responds that “being the centre of Caius social life, I feel I cannot comment with objectivity.” Knowing the identity of this anonymous source myself, I can in fact confirm their claim.

What do you think of the Caius crest?


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Mountain View

”The Boots Meal Deal is the highlight of my time at Cambridge”

A quick Google search reveals John Caius’s own take on the crest: the book betokens learning, the serpents and stone “wisdom with grace founded and stayed upon vertue’s stable stone,” and the sengreen and flowers gentil ” immortalitie that shall never fade.” 446 years later, and I’m afraid to report that one source is all too quick to comment that “snakes represent our college because it’s full of snakes.” Don’t they even know they’re serpents? *Eye roll.* Anyway, I am pleased to report that the second source is of Caius’ school of thought and eloquently replies that the crest is “beautiful, like its undergrad population.” Now that’s the wisdom and immortalitie that old Caius is talking about. Long may it last!