Who stole the Van of Death?

Jack Bailey launches an in-depth investigation into who stole Cambridge’s infamous Van of Death

Jack Bailey

The plot thickens...ALEX LEGGATT

It will not have escaped the attention of Cambridge students and residents alike that there has been a deplorable act of thievery in Market Square – Uncle Frank’s van, the Van of Death, has been stolen!

Having been purloined in the middle of the night from the market, it is nowhere to be seen and nobody is any the wiser as to who did it. How it is that a van is stolen in the middle of a public square in the centre of Cambridge is anybody’s guess, but not everybody’s guess is as good as mine. Using the powers of investigation and deduction that I have been vested with, I have come to a conclusion and narrowed down my list of suspects to two people, both of whom I believe can be reasonably suspected.

It’s obvious. It was either the Vice-Chancellor, Stephen Toope, or the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson. It makes perfect sense, and is at least in my mind unquestionable, that either of them may have done it. In true Scooby Doo fashion, there are reasons as to why they both may have committed this frightful felony, and indeed, they would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for this meddling kid!

Starting firstly with our revered Vice-Chancellor, Mr Toope. On his never-ending mission to save Cambridge from the impending doom and disaster that it faces in these “extraordinary times”, combined with his implacable obsession with academic rigour, he has taken the name of the Van of Death seriously. In his indomitable valour, he has done the altruistic thing to save us all and stolen the Van of Death. Thanks to his act of sheer heroism, no longer can the van carry out its sinister activities. He was really quite unsure why a van that dealt death was ever allowed to trade in the Market Square anyway – but that’s an issue for another time that he’ll take up with the City Council. He remains firm in his conviction that the Council’s Market Trading Regulations do not allow trading in the business of death.

Boris, in his continual cycle of misguided misjudgement and bumbling buffoonery, has heard that these bloody rapscallion students have been queuing at a Van serving food in Cambridge, thus breaking the Rule of 6 (or whatever it is this week!), violating the crystal-clear Hands-Face-Space protocol, and spreading COVID! Emboldened by both his Oxonian hatred for all things Cambridge, and his Churchillian resolve to save the world country, he steals the Van of Death! No more will students line up for their food, putting others at risk! No more will the social distancing rules be disregarded! The day, and the country is saved, or so Boris thought. Upon returning to Downing Street after a long night’s requisitioning of property (he believes it is not thievery if it is done by the government in the public good), however, he learns that the problem of Cantabrigian superspreaders persists! How can this be?! Boris was certain he eliminated the cause!


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However, in his classic incompetent buffoonery, and traditional out-of-touch nature, he had failed to realise that nobody likes the Van of Death. Where did he think the name came from? He assumed it was related to COVID or something, not realising its name predates COVID. While Boris was pinching the Van of Death, the students of Cambridge had been at the Van of Life and Gardies, so it was all for nothing! It is unknown whether Boris plans to return the Van of Death and attempt to steal the Van of Life, the real cause of this imbroglio. However, he is keen that a Van that gives people life should remain operational in this time of plague and pestilence. Again, the euphemism seems to be lost. Maybe if it was known colloquially as the “vehiculum ad sanitas” he would understand (Google Translate tells me this is the rough Latin equivalent, I never studied it!).

Ultimately, despite my investigations and STRONG suspicions, we are no closer to finding out who is responsible for this act of treachery. We hope that whoever it is is brought to justice soon so that the Van of Death can resume trading in Market Square, because it truly is not the same without it.