With lockdown (hopefully) ending within the near future and (socially distanced) opportunities for exploring Cambridge arising again, many of us will be faced with a new challenge. Namely – after months of isolations – how to know where to visit and where not to?

As a socially distanced fresher, I’ve barely explored anything besides the confines of my own room, let alone other colleges. Yet after spending (slightly too much) time on TripAdvisor, I feel like I am perfectly placed to provide a guide to the Cambridge Colleges – or rather, the “least desirable” of the bunch. For, as all well-travelled people know, it is only the “terrible” reviews on TripAdvisor that count. Thus, I have ranked the colleges based on how many terrible reviews they currently have, to help spread awareness about where to avoid at all costs!

Worst Cambridge Colleges Ranking

First place

Trinity: “Sadly archaic and out of touch”

Trinity College comes in at first place, way ahead of its peers, with a total of ten terrible reviews. Many of these concerned not being let in at all, or being charged an unreasonable amount after being let in. One of the many victims of the latter, ”Soobasoo”, lamented being “charged £3 to look at a grass quad!!!!” and concluded the review with a simple: “Wow.”

Australian ”Angela E” and her partner, who didn’t feel like paying, recalled how a porter “made a point of standing almost toe to toe with us, filling our eyeline with his considerable bulk to prevent us seeing the building from the gateway.”

Several reviews described Trinity’s “shockingly rude porters,″ who indeed appear to have undergone extensive training to increase their unconscious bias.

The most recent terrible review, from December 2019, was written by ”Bob & family”, who appreciated the buildings but were left unimpressed by Trinity because “the people who run it are sadly archaic and out of touch of the with the world today – such a shame.”

Shared second place

Homerton, King’s, Sidney Sussex and St John’s

With six terrible reviews each, these colleges all have some way to go before they reach Trinity, but the reviews are not pretty.

Homerton: “absolute dump”

With probably the worst roasting of all, nothing at Homerton escaped the rage of its visitors.

“Jules96,” under the title “Gives ‘Basic’ New Meaning,” wrote: “I would be worried if my kids got rooms here as student digs.”

Going even further – perhaps a little too far – “kano978” called Homerton “absolutely disgusting!!!” and explained that he “recently had to stay in this absolute dump. Room 247 was especially bad.” Kano978 then goes on to make some very questionable statements about room 247, before concluding: “Homerton, Cambridge and England collectively are a colossal piece of poo on the bottom of my shoe.”

Moving on.

King’s: “miserable and ungracious people”

King’s was slammed for lacking proper provisions by many visitors. As “Alfonso M” succinctly put it: “Heaven has no toilets.” To King’s credit however, they replied to Alfonso, writing that they were “sorry that the lack of provision of public toilets within the College has had such an impression on you.”

“‘Visitor090’ draws the following conclusion: ‘If this is the institution training the UK’s leadership no wonder they are such miserable and ungracious people’.”

People were also apparently outraged by the unfriendly atmosphere and rude staff, bad enough for ”Visitor090" to draw the following conclusion: “If this is the institution training the UK’s leadership no wonder they are such miserable and ungracious people.”

Sidney Sussex: “beyond basic”

Certain visitors at Sidney Sussex were unhappy with everything from “rude phone calls” and “rough and arrogant” porters, to the “inhuman catering staff” who, according to “Grace L”, “delight in ruining the meal times of others.” Grace L ended her review by providing a stark message to readers: “Seriously, go to any other college in Cambridge.”

“MiddleEnglandMan” wrote that he was “expecting the facilities to be basic, but this was beyond basic.”

Worse yet, “tennis player” described how Sidney Sussex did not provide toast with his scrambled egg, which is frankly shameful.

St John’s: “the ideal venue for minimalist insomniacs on a diet”

Many people staying here described being unable to sleep and among them is “Tommytoots”, who captured the desperation thus: “Kept up all night by constant loud humming. I am writing this at 5.48am on a Bank Holiday. I should be asleep.”

Several reviews also concerned the poor food quality and “Trevor R” provided a particularly harsh critique of the Buttery’s breakfast that apparently consisted of: “Cold baked beans, rubber fried eggs, veggie sausages which looked like amputated fingers from a mummy, brittle toast that disintegrated when approached by butter washed down with insipid tea.”

Trevor R ended his near 600-word long review by declaring that “St John’s Cambridge is the ideal venue for minimalist insomniacs on a diet,” and noted that he is “yet to receive ANY reply” from St John’s after complaining.

Third place

Churchill: “mediocre panna cotta”

With four terrible reviews, Churchill takes the third place, with bad accommodation and food among the primary causes of fury.

“LglEagle” explained: “There was even someone’s dirty toenail lying in wait to greet me as I walked through the door of the room. I’m afraid to open the desk drawers, so I won’t.”

”Lyndawilson1966", who had to endure the “absolutely atrocious food & service” at Churchill, recalls the ordeal like this:

“Main meal returned twice: cold first time & then the duck was so overcooked I couldn’t cut it with my knife. Offered a vegetarian option but almost an hour since the first table was served & 10 minutes after everyone else on our table. A lot of people were complaining. We paid almost £50 per head for three small pieces of smoked salmon & a small soup bowl of mediocre panna cotta. To add insult to injury, poured half a cup of coffee & asked if I wanted more!!!!”

Half a cup? Disgraceful.

Dishonourable mention:

Fitzwilliam: “unbelievably awful”

In fourth place, with three notoriously savage terrible reviews, Fitzwilliam deserves mention.

Visitors are especially harsh on its “very dark and dingy” accommodation, and especially the “unbelievably awful en-suite facilities,” as ”Julia B” put it.

“Fightingsultan” didn’t spare the criticisms either, explaining that Fitzwillliam provided “the worst accomodation that I have stayed in since 1969,” and elaborating as follows:

“The room was disgusting: the environment dirty. My bed was made twice in nine days. Long Life milk was not refreshed. No biscuits were provided for tea. I had to import two lamps in order to see in the dingy room. There was litter around outside. The kitchens and bathrooms should be closed down. Anyone paying more than £5 for this revolting accommodation needs their head looking at.”

Paying £174 a week for my en-suite room in Fitzwilliam, this hit particularly close to home and made me wonder if I should indeed have my head looked at.