A guide for men in Newnham Café

Bethan McGinley gives Dua Lipa a run for her money as she sets some New Rules for unaccompanied men in Newnham café

Bethan McGinley

The cafe should be reserved for those who do, in fact, go hereLouis Ashworth

When I think of returning to Newnham for my final year, what springs to mind is the college’s café, the Iris.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love the café. In my first year, no cafe meant deciding whether a dash to the Co-op in November was worth catching hypothermia for, or whether I’d have to sign up to a sugar-baby website to afford regular trips to ARC cafe.

However, what also comes to mind are the ‘café boys’: unaccompanied males, in Newnham, in broad daylight, bold as brass.

Now, I didn’t apply to Newnham and personally I like the illusion the café provides of it being a mixed-sex college. Plus, by normalising male presence in the college, it’s reducing the likelihood of me asking my boyfriend to hide in the carpark anytime a fire alarm goes off to save the awkwardness (sorry Sam).

But I don’t like it when I’m standing in a very, very long queue and the last mozzarella focaccia has been stolen by one such ‘café boy’.

I don’t like it when said unaccompanied man has taken up an entire booth by himself for the last 4 hours (which is, frankly, the epitome of manspreading). And I don’t like it when I’m trying to practice Thursday morning self care, hungover, walking around bra-free with joggers on, and I find myself a spectacle to an audience of slightly taken-aback males.

So as a new year begins, I’m laying down some New Rules for these café boys, particularly those with a propensity for spreading out in a cafe booth (you know who you are).

#1: Leave my booths alone

If you’re a lone man who spies an empty booth in the café, stop, drop and roll... far away. There’s about a hundred places to sit, you don’t need a booth. Stop.

#2: If I look like shit, do not look at me

If you see me, or anyone else, looking a little worse for wear, it’s your solemn duty to look away. Consider me Newnham’s Medusa - it won’t go well for either of us if I catch you staring whilst I have an existential crisis over my fifth cup of coffee.

#3: In exam term, piss off

Just piss off. Really. There’s at least three other cafés on Sidge where your presence isn’t a total invasion. If it’s a tad more expensive, don’t worry, the good old gender pay gap will see you fairly compensated in no time!

#4: The buttery is off limits

Undaunted by the fact that it’s going to cost them an extra £1 for not going to Newnham, or that trying the tilapia (whatever that is) is akin to playing a particularly dangerous game of Russian roulette, (with a side of yesterday’s veg), some unaccompanied men do indeed persevere. It’s a step too far.

So, there you have it, the correct etiquette for Newnham Café. Read and learn it well.