The Telegraph offered students a crucial lifeline last week, publishing their highly anticipated Oxbridge College League Table to help prospective Oxbridge applicants tackle the age-old question, ‘Which Oxbridge college should I apply to?’ in the most obnoxious way possible.

The league table is described as an “exclusive” publication, generously providing readers with an “abundance” of statistics and the “opinions” of a panel of graduates.

Trinity College (Cambridge) is awarded second place in the table, with the Telegraph highlighting the groundbreaking news that the college is “minted” and provides students with the much-needed opportunity to be around “arrogant” peers.

Christs’s is labelled as “central” and “intimate”(?) with “motivated” students, while Fitzwilliam is “not showy” and for “less privileged students”. Newnham is deemed “for women”.

"Trinity provides students with the much-needed opportunity to be around "arrogant" peers"

Girton came last in the ranking (clearly the Telegraph doesn't like cycling), and Queens' ranked second from the bottom. 

The article continues to distinguish between the colleges, notably labelling those which are “archaic”, “academic” or “privileged”.

Politicians are currently debating if the release of this sensitive information should be treated as whistleblowing, and colleges should start frantically making contingency plans in case they don’t receive sufficient quantities of applications should they not be considered “privileged” enough.

In the days since publication, rumours have circulated that a fatal error was made in the content of the table itself, with several Oxford colleges claiming a spot in the top 10 rather than their Cambridge counterparts. It is suspected that several ‘light blue’ Cambridge colour indicators were replaced with ‘dark blue’ Oxford indicators during a digital attack on the newspaper. The publication has yet to respond to these allegations and it is unclear if anyone will be held to account.