In 2012 the River Cam finally freed itself of a particularly anti-social specimen of swan, ransacking the waters of the Cam.

This swan, named Mr Asbo, has since been removed but now, in the true dynastical style of many of those in Cambridge, the Abso family is back and Asbaby (Mr Asbo’s Grandson), who first emerged in 2015, too wants a share of BP oil company, sorry, slip of the tongue, the River Cam.

How has this affected the waters? Violet investigates…

I decided to hit the waters myself to see if this was really true – I wanted to gauge the true public feeling on the notorious Asbaby. News of his vicious assault had spread far and wide – from Scudamore’s to Cambridge Punt Company.

Asbaby’s behaviour has been truly frightening. Grabbing a gosling in his beak and ruthlessly swinging it around by its neck in a gruesome display in front of several tourists has caused much devastation (punting companies will not be held liable.) Asbaby has also been seen to be terrorising cows, dogs and even the odd punter.

“News of his vicious assault had spread far and wide – from Scudamore’s to Cambridge Punt Company.”

However, with mixed reports and no sightings of Asbaby that day I decided to speak to a punter from ‘River Tours’. I went undercover as a tourist asking him if the waters were really safe.

He told me “that Asbaby was nothing like his Grandfather, not as vicious or outrageous, if anything, you should watch out for a particularly vicious duck on the Cam.” Equally, a Scudamore’s punter reported that “there really is nothing to be worried about, we’ve had the swans under control as of 2012.”

News of his vicious assault had spread far and wide – from Scudamore’s to Cambridge Punt Company.

A local resident, Sam Tulley, however, speaks otherwise. Having witnessed Asbaby’s attack first hand, he reports that not only was he vicious when he was young “now that he is bigger and stronger, he is even worse.”

Are punting companies simply trying to ease the nerves of perturbed tourists? Are your children really safe on the waters?

Asbaby has clearly inherited the bad-tempered ways of his Grandfather and sources have divulged that Asbaby’s Father, Asboy, has also ruled the waters with a firm hand between 2014 and 2015.

With the river getting busier as summer months approach, we have no choice but to stand together against the Asbos. Our only hope is that Asbaby really is the last of his lineage but in such turbulent times, one can never be sure.